She deserved it.
I accidentally cut my finger open while slicing honeydew and bled on it, then licked the blood off, and served it to my mother-in-law.
2008-07-25 16:12:07 / Rating: 6.75 / 
Story archives - tag: "humor"
awkward
When my girlfriend and I were robbed, the cop asked if the red spots on my neck were from the fight.
2008-07-25 10:19:38 / Rating: 15.5 /
J
Did the nurse really have to laugh when my mom said her nine-year-old had dropped a toenail in his eye and we couldn't find it?
2008-07-22 12:23:17 / Rating: 31.75 /
Feenix
He sang to me as we danced in the fountain and later he caressed my cheek, stroked my neck, touched my adam's apple, and asked me if I was a man.
2008-07-21 16:12:16 / Rating: 89 /
Greg
When asked to donate a dollar to Lou Gehrig's Disease research (ALS), the customer replied, "No, I'm not a Yankees fan".
2008-07-21 16:04:03 / Rating: 50.75 /
Cara
I discovered in front of the entire store that gourmet dog biscuits look like, but do not taste like, people cookies.
2008-07-21 15:36:48 / Rating: 45.25 /
Aub
I think my dad realized I would never take out the garbage again when the trash bag he told me to pick up turned out to be a three-foot-long snake coiled up in a corner.
2008-07-21 15:36:15 / Rating: 40.25 /
felinefevah
I panicked, thinking my precious fluffy cat had a tumor, until I realized he just had a Cocoa Puff stuck to his ass.
2008-07-18 01:26:39 / Rating: 160.5 /
heather
I couldn't decide which was weirder: falling asleep next to a stack of unopened bank statements or waking up on top of a bunch of open ones.
2008-07-15 10:21:16 / Rating: 49.5 /
Emily
He was running towards me, calling my name, when all of the sudden he stopped and made a horrid face as he looked at his shoe.
2008-07-10 15:32:45 / Rating: 95 /
Emily
We got quite the looks at the hospital, walking around with her hands glued to my feet in wheelbarrow position.
2008-07-10 15:32:31 / Rating: 121.5 /
R
Yesterday, I got a black eye from a plastic hammer.
2008-07-10 15:31:22 / Rating: 47.75 /
Frog Kisser
I began to wonder what kind of vibe I was putting off when a guy gave me his number on a $20 bill, a married couple propositioned me, and I was set up with a porn star all in one week.
2008-07-09 17:38:21 / Rating: 89.75 /
Snafu Suz
As I dropped my spare change into his cup and heard a splash, I was horrified to realize he was not a homeless person begging for money but just a guy on the corner enjoying his coffee.
2008-07-09 00:01:01 / Rating: 196.5 /
Matt
When my wife's only comment to my former mistress was "Thanks for taking care of him while I was away," I knew that I would never again be unfaithful .
2008-07-08 23:59:56 / Rating: 66.25 /
Noa
The irony that I had taken a day off from my job collecting horse urine to go to the doctors and have to provide a urine sample did not escape me at all.
2008-07-07 13:57:05 / Rating: 48.5 /
Say Aaaahhhh
The vet and I laughed until we cried when my boyfriend almost fainted because she took his cat's temperature rectally.
2008-07-03 12:00:13 / Rating: 96.25 /
Lisa K. S.
I thought he was going to ask me for a dollar, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend I blurted, "No, can't you get it from somebody else?"
2008-07-01 15:13:13 / Rating: 260.25 /
TheArchimage
I knew I was going to fail the class when the professor pulled me aside and asked, "Do you have a learning disability I should know about?"
2008-07-01 15:12:30 / Rating: 135.5 /
Tin
The one-night-stand girl and I met again at an extended family reunion.
2008-07-01 15:10:46 / Rating: 223.25 /
sexuallyfrustrated
I couldn't stop staring at his crotch as we sorted concrete mixes in the lab.
2008-07-01 15:03:20 / Rating: 46 /
Melissa
I knew my boyfriend had finally been accepted into the family when my dad gave him a key to his garage.
2008-06-30 13:21:44 / Rating: 64.5 /
Erin
As I contemplated removing my birthmark, the woman in the dressing room said she used to have a birthmark just like that and then showed me the hideous scar that replaced it.
2008-06-27 14:54:57 / Rating: 121.25 /
Ekublai
It was only when my English professor started replacing the "said"s with "and was like"s in my assignments that I started to question the worth of my high school diploma.
2008-06-25 20:39:54 / Rating: 156.75 /
Peanut
The cop and I had a delightful conversation about sweaters and the weather and to this day he does not know that I was drunk and not even 17 yet.
2008-06-25 16:05:41 / Rating: 122.75 /
Eliot Scott
When I called my dad, crying, from journalism camp and told him I had no friends, he explained, "Well, Eliot, you're kind of a nerd."
2008-06-23 13:23:36 / Rating: 372.25 /
Stace
As a first year science teacher, I realised that parent-teacher interviews formed my best ever lessons in human genetics.
2008-06-23 09:47:30 / Rating: 160.75 /
Carissa
I don't care if your last name is a word for a genital condition, I still love every little thing about you.
2008-06-18 10:21:41 / Rating: 200.75 /
Charles
The moment the bears arrived we knew we had picked the worse of the two campsites.
2008-06-17 17:54:25 / Rating: 93.25 /
Sam W.
She realized I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.
2008-06-16 16:10:13 / Rating: 58.25 /
Corner Room
It's not until you live in a dorm room that shares a wall with a stairwell that you realize people are horrible at carrying things up and down steps.
2008-06-13 13:40:49 / Rating: 101.75 /
Elee
Walking home in the pouring rain was not the best time to discover a hole in my shoe.
2008-06-13 13:39:44 / Rating: 47.5 /
Rebel
I lost the ping-pong tournament to an exchange student who apparently has nothing better to do in his country.
2008-06-11 16:25:11 / Rating: 78 /
micaela
I would have never have met my true love if it weren't for my sudden desire to plant turnips.
2008-06-11 13:10:15 / Rating: 100.75 /
What are the odds?
I knew God had a sense of humor when I hesitantly answered the ringing K-Mart payphone, only to hear my best friend, who had misdialed my home phone number, on the other end.
2008-06-10 10:39:09 / Rating: 1615.5 /
-b
When the doctor told me I had strep throat, I knew it was time to confront my roommate about her illicit use of my toothbrush.
2008-06-09 12:16:57 / Rating: 87.5 /
C. Lee
As I sat in the stranger's van, clutching my knee, the only thing I managed to say was, "I am SO sorry for bleeding on you seat, ma'am."
2008-06-09 12:14:44 / Rating: 93 /
Techie
My friend had tears of joy in his eyes when he found out his locker number was 1337.
2008-06-09 12:09:06 / Rating: 401.5 /
Olivoi
It's a good thing the local news camera was only shooting from the chest up, because other than his tuxedo jacket, he was wearing fishnets, army boots, and not much else.
2008-06-06 17:11:35 / Rating: 79 /
lines
Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.
2008-06-06 17:06:53 / Rating: 685.25 /
tourguide
Whenever my campus tour groups ask about the library facilities, I am tempted to explain to them how exactly I know that the private study rooms are soundproof.
2008-06-06 17:05:53 / Rating: 194.25 /
averna
This morning, I found a spot on my washcloth that smelled like really good pot.
2008-06-06 17:03:12 / Rating: 59.5 /
Noodles
Carving my name into your arm with an old metal compass was probably not the best way to win my affection.
2008-06-04 10:02:39 / Rating: 88 /
Aj
My doctor told me i was 2 lbs. overweight and suggested I join Weight Watchers.
2008-06-03 15:36:47 / Rating: 87 /
Clsfd Kidd
I lit the gasoline-soaked, freshly-cut branches with a lighter that was about five feet too short.
2008-06-02 13:33:55 / Rating: 66.5 /
Oh the irony
Reading through the unapproved sentences yesterday, I was impressed with the emotional intensity and similarity I had with one of them, until I realized it was one of my own.
2008-05-30 10:09:50 / Rating: 138.25 /
Dfong
As the vomit crawled up my throat I suddenly realized I was holding the barf bag upside down.
2008-05-30 10:06:48 / Rating: 87 /
Maggie
I used to want to be a writer when I grew up, until I learned the word "poverty."
2008-05-28 15:56:22 / Rating: 86.5 /
Tomatoes
I crashed my friend's car on a sandwich run and to top it off, I brought him back the wrong sandwich.
2008-05-27 10:11:19 / Rating: 210 /
Cupcake
She realized her sleeping habits were going to change when the crack heads at the clinic next door smoked their cigarettes and chattered loudly at 5:45 AM for the 4th day in a row.
2008-05-23 11:16:53 / Rating: 75.25 /
That Mom
Would it be wrong to make my husband wear a bib?
2008-05-23 11:12:25 / Rating: 72 /
callmejackieo
We were going to stay up all night recording experimental music on his computer like John and Yoko, but then his mom came in and told us it was time for him to go to bed.
2008-05-21 09:36:07 / Rating: 104.5 /
PHDrillSergeant
There is no odder combination of items at the grocery store than a jar of Vaseline and a single cucumber.
2008-05-21 09:34:51 / Rating: 165.25 /
Cam
My neighbor just found out that I get dressed with the blinds open.
2008-05-21 09:33:33 / Rating: 99.25 /
Mary
We thought my dog had a tick and tried "smoking it out" with a hot match only to discover it was her nipple.
2008-05-14 13:56:41 / Rating: 207.25 /
Rudy
Yesterday my five year old told me that he found out at school that Heaven is full of dead people.
2008-05-13 12:03:10 / Rating: 200 /
cpumaster
I blew out my knee making love to my fiance a week before I had to go to the recruiters office.
2008-05-08 17:37:40 / Rating: 153.25 /
Perplexious
My uncle laughed uncontrollably at my flustered mother as she explained my mentally retarded brother's behavior of waving at cars while walking nude through the neighborhood, but the jokes ended the next day when it was my uncle who found a pile of my brother's clothes on the front porch.
2008-05-08 17:35:25 / Rating: 106.25 /
LNO
I thought the worst gift ever given was a cheese grater given to my mom by my dad for Christmas, but he recently topped it with a flashlight, key chain and hand warmers for her birthday.
2008-05-07 13:53:50 / Rating: 74.25 /
Mike Drucker
Because he slept on the top bunk, my brother always called me "the monster under the bed."
2008-05-07 13:51:39 / Rating: 152 /
Poppy
Yesterday my four-year-old married his "girlfriend" and they shared a fruit muffin as their wedding cake.
2008-05-01 14:27:14 / Rating: 361.25 /
kt
The most romantic moment of my life ended with the word "boner."
2008-04-30 14:52:26 / Rating: 214.5 /
m
My mother forgot to wash the pans between courses, resulting in cherry pie that tasted vaguely of fish, but it was still the best birthday ever.
2008-04-29 12:11:37 / Rating: 128 /
Perplexious
I used to think a futon was a cross between a crouton and a wonton, and would always get weird looks from the waitstaff when I'd try to order one at an Asian restaurant.
2008-04-28 10:27:35 / Rating: 175.25 /
Squeaky Clean
I got tested for STDs and had my ears cleaned today.
2008-04-25 10:25:08 / Rating: 69.75 /
Interviewee
1 hour and 45 minutes, a talkative bald man, a crack-head with a faxing issue, and 13 color copies later, I am still hours away from ready for tomorrow.
2008-04-25 10:22:44 / Rating: 66.25 /
Larissa
It took me two years to realize that I'd sacrificed way too much to keep him happy, and I can't believe what finally sent me over the edge was him telling me "I think I'm a werewolf."
2008-04-18 10:19:15 / Rating: 221 /
rollergirl
My 86-year-old grandmother told me she'd always wanted to "blaze up a fat one."
2008-04-18 10:17:03 / Rating: 295.5 /
LNO
As I put my backpack on, preparing to leave the bus, it tripped the emergency exit and it's very loud alarm signaling the start of another day of high school.
2008-04-17 18:08:37 / Rating: 58.25 /
AmericanGirl
When I woke up late one Saturday morning in a hotel room in Jerusalem with an Israeli soldier next to me, I knew I was finally living the dream.
2008-04-15 23:02:31 / Rating: 110 /
No credit, please
The support of the third grade class was striking, as the second grade's "Tinkerbell" died in silence.
2008-04-15 10:16:44 / Rating: 74.25 /
Dylan
As I was washing my hands I noticed the lack of urinals along the wall and realized I had made this mistake twice in the same day.
2008-04-15 10:06:10 / Rating: 265.75 /
OminousGasPains
When I wrenched my back unpacking the massage table, her anniversary gift suddenly became "ours."
2008-04-15 10:05:44 / Rating: 95.75 /
Mark
At four, Sam ordered his first hamburger, and when the waitress asked, "Certainly, sir, medium?" replied indignantly, "No, large!"
2008-04-10 15:40:07 / Rating: 361.75 /
Cinnamon Stillwater
I don't know if it was the alcohol, the darkness or the rush to put my clothing back on that made me fall onto the cactus.
2008-04-10 14:56:44 / Rating: 173.5 /
Kelly Braden
I asked my local newspaper to discontinue littering their typo filled publication on my doorstep, having cancelled my subscription last week.
2008-04-08 17:02:24 / Rating: 72.25 /
Stephanie E.
I went to the emergency room and was diagnosed with a headache.
2008-04-07 14:21:43 / Rating: 91.5 /
No, I'm not pregnant
It was when I brought my selected books to the library check-out counter and the librarian looked at me funny that I started to reconsider my reasearch paper topic on abortion.
2008-04-07 14:20:57 / Rating: 93 /
Mac
I realized I was getting old when I referred to something that happenend two years ago by "the other day."
2008-04-04 14:28:05 / Rating: 148.5 /
roadtripryan
As I rummaged through the cereal box sleepy eyed this morning, a bit of sadness came over me when I remembered adult cereals don't contain prizes.
2008-04-02 15:22:52 / Rating: 241.25 /
Poppy
As he watched them make his hamburger from the counter, my four year old announced loudly that he was no longer interested in being an astronaut when he grew up but would prefer to have a job at McDonalds.
2008-04-01 12:10:56 / Rating: 229 /
ChunkyMonkey
When she told me she had seen me driving around town my first thought was, "Oh, God, I hope I wasn't picking my nose!"
2008-03-27 20:36:11 / Rating: 102.25 /
whackest
I was grateful to my father for finding the ointment until I realized it had expired nineteen years earlier.
2008-03-27 20:35:19 / Rating: 96.5 /
Wedgie Picker
I turned my back to a car and picked my wedgie so no one would see, but it turned out there were 2 passengers in the car.
2008-03-26 13:29:03 / Rating: 179.75 /
mathematically challenged
I'm so terrible at math that my precalculus teacher had me write an essay about why I'm terrible at math so I wouldn't fail the class.
2008-03-26 13:24:59 / Rating: 166 /
that girl on the couch
Melted ice cream makes a very poor projectile.
2008-03-26 13:19:25 / Rating: 57.75 /
Ashley
It's 10:30 pm on a Saturday night, and I get a text from my mom: "Will you pimp my MySpace?"
2008-03-25 10:52:21 / Rating: 271 /
Airily
I hadn't understood just how much I hated my roommate until I laughed while watching her walk into a glass door and break her nose.
2008-03-25 10:49:20 / Rating: 166 /
A
I started to think I wasn't being taken seriously when he reached over and honked my nose.
2008-03-21 17:13:25 / Rating: 154 /
juju
I vacuumed, on purpose, the rug and, acidentally, the cat.
2008-03-21 17:09:08 / Rating: 203 /
The Day The Music Died
And that, my friends, is how I ended up getting my first kiss (from a complete stranger, to boot) at Rocky Horror Picture Show night.
2008-03-19 09:52:14 / Rating: 71.75 /
Riff
Right after my brother asked for a sign from God, I noticed someone had written the words "FUCK OFF" in the dirt.
2008-03-12 17:42:02 / Rating: 396.5 /
Death and Taxes
He asked me if I would still file his taxes for him after I told him I didn't think I loved him anymore.
2008-03-10 10:18:54 / Rating: 164.25 /
Eternal Flame
I forget which was funnier: the joke my friend told at lunch, or the milk that I shot out of my nose.
2008-03-10 10:18:13 / Rating: 123 /
Anonymous
As I sat happily eating a cup of ice cream, I suddenly noticed the unpleasant taste of dish soap.
2008-03-07 16:56:09 / Rating: 117.25 /
LNO
I called a certain moronic President a "bozo" and my mom told me that we do not "blaspheme the president."
2008-03-06 13:02:16 / Rating: 143.75 /
Michele G.
None of us realized how loudly we were talking until the word "vagina" rang out into the hallway and seemed to just hang there like red neon.
2008-03-05 12:37:04 / Rating: 198.75 /
Seven
You know it's time to do dishes when you find yourself eating a TV dinner with a butter knife.
2008-03-03 12:58:11 / Rating: 230.75 /
Jaruso
Sitting at my desk I think of the days before the minivan and can almost smell the beer drenched microphone.
2008-02-25 21:26:46 / Rating: 114.25 /
KRose
As I took off my shirt for him to tattoo "Bite Me, Please!" on my back, he said "I can see why."
2008-02-25 21:23:42 / Rating: 79.75 /
wanderlost
I knew my step-son had been overly sheltered when he told me a character from Guitar Hero III was the "black version of Jimi Hendrix."
2008-02-22 16:11:21 / Rating: 276 /
Interrupted
He wanted to continue our morning romp, but our new kittens were sitting on the bed and they looked like a couple of dashboard bobble head ornaments watching us and he couldn't stop laughing.
2008-02-22 16:09:48 / Rating: 225 /
LNO
It was only after I shattered the chocolate heart that I wondered if allegories worked outside of literary works.
2008-02-22 16:09:16 / Rating: 160 /
Jo
About the dumbest thing you can say about an embalmed body at a funeral is that they "look good," but that is what everyone kept saying.
2008-02-20 16:22:18 / Rating: 149 /
L.Mead
Everytime I tripped when I was younger I used to think my feet were plotting against me and my hands were my only true friends.
2008-02-13 13:18:41 / Rating: 350.5 /
Oops
As I put away my birth certificate that was returned with my new passport, I found the passport I thought I lost.
2008-02-13 13:07:17 / Rating: 108.75 /
Cam
As a kid dripping in mud, I couldn't see why bringing four frogs home in a zip lock bag was bad idea.
2008-02-11 16:54:22 / Rating: 143 /
Icki
She meant to say "You crack me up," but the words escaped as "You creep me out."
2008-02-08 16:50:28 / Rating: 121.5 /
spacegirl
I offered him some water, and instead of answering, he told me my refrigerator smelled bad.
2008-02-05 10:42:07 / Rating: 70.25 /
Tag
I gave my mother mono because I secretly drank out of the cartoon of orange juice and put it back in the fridge.
2008-02-05 10:36:16 / Rating: 118.75 /
Carrie
I woke up naked next to my friend with three hundred dollars in chips in my hand and thought, "I love Vegas."
2008-01-31 12:08:08 / Rating: 103 /