His body was still warm when I got back.
In the kitchen cutlery aisle, we smiled politely at the little old lady who leaned in close to tell us 'you can never have too many knives'.
I was diagnosed with PCOS yesterday and instead of being sad about my potential infertility, I rejoiced in the fact that I'm not diabetic and can have a family regardless of my crappy ovaries.
It's always fun to learn that your great-grandmother was evading taxes pre-World War II.
I called my dad from my dorm to bitch about my dvd player not working only to be told that my home was on fire.
Not long after my mother left us, my father said he would leave if one of us didn't admit breaking the old, battered lamp in the sitting-room.
I liked my therapist until he laughed uncontrollably for three minutes when I told him about an emotionally abusive event from my childhood.
I got an email from a client this morning telling me that they had no internet access.
"Let's all be naked when he gets back in the car" was the best idea he's ever had.
Walking out of the grocery with banana and muffin in hand, I assured the lone woman who offered me a kitten, "No thanks, a banana and muffin usually fill me up."
I couldn't find God, so I found Buddha instead.
You know your life has gone completely downhill when you come home from Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve and get beat up by your alcoholic husband, and you can't call the cops because Christmas will be ruined forever for your kids.
I couldn't understand why they all laughed at me when I suggested that Morse Code should be put on doors for blind people.
It really was a logical question when my 4 year old son asked, "If there is a Godzilla, is there a Jesuszilla?"
We just found my half-sister's half-brother, and my mom wants me to hook up with him.
In tears, I wondered if this gynecologist ever had a patient whose first visit began in uncontrolled weeping.
I didn't mean to cause a scene but when a store hides the Midol, what do they expect?
"I wrote a poem for you," he said, then proceeded to read "Ode to your cleavage."
Someone who will spend five dollars to mail you an unpackaged banana is someone who deserves to stay in your life for a while, if only to make it a bit more interesting.
The first thing he ever said to me was "You know, for being a neutral country, the Swiss have a very aggressive tasting cheese."
I honestly had no idea that it was my girlfriend's mom in the car behind me when I flipped her off.
She then turned to me and ended the story with, "So that's how my friend went from sexually confused Catholic school boy to gay bank robber wanted in three states."
The pee was on the seat when I got there, but telling you this in passing has been a major setback in me getting your phone number tonight.
Sitting next to my stepdad as I watched the trailer for a movie about a killer stepdad, we laughed, and I realized how much I lucked out.
My sexual innocence was donated to science the day I first saw a penis on a cadaver.
One explanation about a pigeon, french fries, and a box containing a dead spider later, the cop shook his head and told us we were free to go.
My mother cooked our Thanksgiving dinner on the kitchen counter that I sat on butt-naked, last night, as my tea brewed.
I struggled to explain to my third grade teacher that I didn't do the 'favorite color' assignment because Crayola didn't make a 'clear' crayon.
I will always wonder what my grandfather would've written, had he known that glittery, four dollar card would be the last thing he'd ever communicate to me.
I stopped complaining about school the day I found out my boyfriend was in special education and longed to be in a normal school.
As they shovelled the earth over his grave, I tried to swallow back the fear that one day he might crawl out of there to come and get me.
It was not until I dropped my declaration of independence into the mailbox that I could breathe again.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
A decade later, the cruelty of 14-year-old girls is still unmatched.
I thought the strawberries looked too big until I realised they were prawns.
I pulled on the strange red cord hanging in the handicapped stall in the London hotel bathroom, and figured out what it was for moments later when a frantic employee rushed in, calling, "Are you all right?"
I was mildly interested to realize that, in a theatre camp group having two male instructors, two male counselors, and two female counselors, there was not a person among us who liked women.
My mother says she doesn't know why is marijuana such a problem, because for her it's just a "relaxing herb."
After we were introduced, she looked at me as though she were piecing together all the particles of shit she had heard about me and relating them to my face.
After I told my mother I felt I needed therapy, she laughed and said "DUH!"
Frankly, it's awkward when you find out the "random jerk" who rear-ended your new car two hours ago is also your new girlfriend's father.
There is no classy way to ask the dentist for his phone number.
My ex-husband chose to divorce me via text message.
It wasn't until my teacher didn't show up for class that I realized I should've woken him up before leaving his apartment that morning.