thumpersrock
When I came home late and found the lawnmower in my bed, I realized my dad wasn't kidding when he said he wanted the grass mowed "today."
2010-01-27 09:32:14 / Rating: 336 / 
Story archives - January 2010
hexmark
It's hilarious to hear my father tell me he wasn't being a racist when he was berating me for "dating a filthy Filipina."
2010-01-27 09:30:57 / Rating: 75.5 /
Auntie Boo
Today I made new friends in my dorm by passing out the cupcakes that were left over from my niece's second birthday party that got cancelled because she got a fever so high she had a seizure and stopped breathing until my sister gave her mouth to mouth.
2010-01-27 09:30:19 / Rating: 78 /
Host
I was the last person to find out that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and that one of my personalities has threatened my friends.
2010-01-27 09:29:17 / Rating: 168.75 /
liz
The day after I lost my virginity, I tried to send my parents the message subliminally by repeatedly setting the thermostat in the house to 69.
2010-01-27 09:28:53 / Rating: 243.25 /
We told my older sister that if she had wanted to decorate the tree with us, then she she should have gone to community college.
2010-01-27 09:28:24 / Rating: 53.25 /
DJ
It took him three hours and a host of anonymous message-board recommendations to decide that he wasn't going to leave me for her.
2010-01-27 09:28:08 / Rating: 60.75 /
finn
The cop would have given me a speeding ticket had I not been wearing a complete ninja costume that Sunday morning.
2010-01-27 09:27:35 / Rating: 295.5 /
KittyKat
I lost the speech contest after I realized that the note cards I had were from my child birthing class and not about animal abuse.
2010-01-27 09:27:26 / Rating: 77.75 /
Momof5
Now that my sister is depressed, mom says it's a "damnable disease," but when I was depressed five years ago, I was just "a bitch".
2010-01-22 09:15:36 / Rating: 260.75 /
Caught with my pants down
Discovering that window washers do still exist and discovering that I had no idea where my pants were happened at the exact same moment.
2010-01-22 09:14:14 / Rating: 219 /
Red
I came out to my family over 6 years ago and the most painful reaction came from my father who said, "I thought you were smarter than that."
2010-01-22 09:14:03 / Rating: 130.25 /
Katherine
We were married for more years than she's been alive.
2010-01-22 09:09:18 / Rating: 176.25 /
Three years after my mother and her father stopped dating, she added me on facebook.
2010-01-22 09:08:46 / Rating: 53 /
Spare socks...
Rolled up black socks are strikingly similar to my compact umbrella in appearance, not functionality.
2010-01-22 09:08:30 / Rating: 178.75 /
Kasey carroll
My brothers tears covered his face, his eyelashes sticking together, as he stomped his foot down and demanded that my mother stop choking me.
2010-01-22 09:07:00 / Rating: 197.5 /
Happy
Seeing my mother-in-law tangled up in her electric fence made me happy.
2010-01-22 09:06:46 / Rating: 101 /
Customer Support
When she started the call by referring to her computer as her TV, saying she couldn't bring up her "Wahoo," I knew I was in for a fun call.
2010-01-19 16:20:13 / Rating: 232.25 /
Seizure Salad
No one, not my mom or the doctor right in front of me, realized I was having a seizure.
2010-01-19 15:35:09 / Rating: 63 /
kristi
Today my son not only discovered that he can avoid taking a nap by climbing out of the crib, but also, if he is extra quite and doesn't wake up mommy, he can climb the fridge to eat the rest of the Christmas candy.
2010-01-19 15:34:32 / Rating: 83.25 /
Use the Peephole
I opened my door to discover a neo-Nazi arborist.
2010-01-19 15:33:14 / Rating: 53.25 /
just a kid
As the weight of size 13 white velcro sneaker came down on my eight-year-old frame, I made a mental note to never again fake-kick anyone while wearing clogs.
2010-01-19 15:33:08 / Rating: 49.75 /
Someone
I said no to the coffee but yes to the date.
2010-01-18 17:15:32 / Rating: 105.25 /
LadyJame
That's when I looked down and realized my fake nail had somehow caught fire, and no one was around to witness it but my fish.
2010-01-14 11:09:41 / Rating: 148.75 /
so what?
The only year I refused to go to my neighbor's Easter party was the year she dropped dead during the party.
2010-01-14 11:09:25 / Rating: 95.5 /
Libby
As I listened to a conversation between hippies on the 71 bus to Haight Street, I realized that I'm one of the "housies" that they so vehemently spoke of and wondered if I'd be happier as one of them, in grungy overalls, wearing dreads full of clay beads.
2010-01-14 11:09:05 / Rating: 72.5 /
bevred
The day we brought our newborn daughter home from the hospital, our dog got hit by a car and died.
2010-01-13 13:32:24 / Rating: 75.25 /
Chrinda Jones
As the door to the Taco Bell restroom came crashing over top of me, all I could think to say to him was "I said I'd be out in a minute."
2010-01-13 13:30:19 / Rating: 102.25 /
kbh101
I realized the crumbled bit of pill left over resembled a cookie, and laughed out loud at the image of the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street gobbling up Lorazepam.
2010-01-11 16:07:31 / Rating: 80.75 /
Red Nails
Fast-drying nail varnish doesn't seem like such a great idea when it's splattered all over the leather sofa.
2010-01-11 16:06:47 / Rating: 84.5 /
Indy1jeep
I knew what we really were when I realized we had eaten our Christmas Dinner out of a cooler from the back of a pick-up truck.
2010-01-11 14:47:40 / Rating: 101.5 /
Just Dave
I wrapped my jacket around her shaking legs and heard the dull, staccato thud of Steve slamming his fists into one of the men who had raped her, just before I went hunting for the other one.
2010-01-11 14:46:56 / Rating: 610.75 /
Domino
I cried when I read the note, in my step-dad's handwriting, and it said "our daughter."
2010-01-07 16:06:34 / Rating: 278.75 /
cetacean
I knew my brother was going to be a good acrobat when, at five years old, he tripped over a rock mid run and did a 360 degree flip into a nearby fish pond.
2010-01-07 16:04:56 / Rating: 137 /
Phoebe
It was only after he demonstrated that he could accurately quote long passages of Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises after eleven shots of tequila that I agreed to give him my number.
2010-01-07 16:04:22 / Rating: 554.5 /
Bean
The thing about dropping your toothbrush in a toilet is that you only get one toothbrush at boot camp.
2010-01-07 16:03:46 / Rating: 184.75 /
Fred Lineberry
The dog poop canvassed the concrete floor like a Jackson Pollock, and I was able to pause and appreciate the talent involved before the smell arrived.
2010-01-07 11:25:43 / Rating: 103.5 /
Madeline
Years from now, when we fix up our own home together, I'll recall the night we wandered through Home Depot and spent 20 minutes in the doorbell section listening carefully to each one.
2010-01-07 11:24:32 / Rating: 301.75 /
thon
After one look into his bloodshot eyes, I instantly regretted not tipping the pizza delivery boy in weed.
2010-01-05 15:44:22 / Rating: 176 /
Chloe
My mom told me that when you go to heaven, God gives you all the balloons you lost when you were alive.
2010-01-05 15:44:14 / Rating: 680.5 /
SamuelM
As I walked into the house, rather late, I detected the smell of a recently extinguished candle.
2010-01-05 15:43:26 / Rating: 114 /
countedx58
At my mother's funeral, my ex-boyfriend's mother told my husband about how many hours I spent sitting in her driveway handing tools to her son while he worked on his car.
2010-01-05 15:43:16 / Rating: 56.75 /
Phaky
Someone had a piano that was broken, and someone else had a bunch of land, so that inevitably led to a very well-attended piano burning party late one night.
2010-01-05 15:42:37 / Rating: 197 /
Limey
As I sat on the park bench in my Chuck Taylors and Buddy Holly glasses, cup of coffee in one hand, cigarette hanging from my mouth and a battered copy of "On the Road" on my knees, I felt I was trying way too hard.
2010-01-04 12:01:25 / Rating: 1092 /
Slab
You know it is time to clean out your garage when you find a box of live kittens in it.
2010-01-04 12:00:54 / Rating: 292 /
One of Three, not two
Having met my secret sister who no one knows I know about, all my mom's clever little references didn't go unnoticed this holiday.
2010-01-04 11:05:57 / Rating: 144.75 /
Kimberley
My bathroom is too small for dancing.
2010-01-04 10:57:13 / Rating: 280 /
Jenna
I rapidly counted and recounted the change in my pocket as I waited for the procession.
2010-01-04 10:42:48 / Rating: 64.25 /
HUNGRY
As my car started its sideways slide down the exit ramp, I couldn't help but think that my craving for Burger King was about to get me killed.
2010-01-04 10:41:14 / Rating: 170.75 /