My Mum, Dad and twin sister were killed in a plane crash, but if they hadn't been, I would never have met my brother.
Story archives - November 2009
The 9-1-1 EMTs arrived after the seven longest minutes of my life.
As much as I wanted to say it, the comic book store did not seem an appropriate place to tell you I wanted to be the mother of your children.
To her credit, she didn't eat the one that fell on the floor.
Rinse... not shampoo
Standing naked in a shower, in a foreign land, I realized I bought conditioner, not shampoo, AGAIN.
My mother refuses to let us bake things very often because "then you're just going to eat them."
Just as I was about to tell my eight-year-old daughter the truth about Santa Claus, she said she was going to ask him to end the war in Iraq.
As all my friends go to college and work to learn real skills, I realize after 3 years all I know how to do is kill people.
We walked into the emergency room looking like the top of a wedding cake and everyone stopped to look.
The dreaming, the wishing and the yearning finally culminated in spending three glorious weeks in Europe, fulfilling the promise made to my father 35 years ago.
We were pen pals who lived 1951 miles apart, got the chance to meet in a different state, paddled backwards in a kayak, jumped off a bridge, and fell in love.
Ok fine, her name doesn't actually have the comma and exclamation mark in it...
My sister's name backwards is "Ah, Satan!"
While my roommate did later apologize to me for her rudeness, it was too late, for I had already poured half her bottle of Proactiv down the shower drain.
The first time I ever shaved, my dad said, "Be careful, the razors are razor-sharp."
I desperately fought to hold your hands away from me but I never imagined you could unbutton my pants with your teeth.
Sometimes I wonder if eating a sugar cube of acid and wandering Coney Island will always be the most beautiful experience of my life.
On my coming out to my mother, she told the whole family, adding that if they had a problem with it, she would have no problem burying them, dead or alive.
His family watched in morbid silence while seven perplexed fiancees wept by his graveside.
An article in a flimsy fashion magazine helped me realize the depth of my problems the way no counseling had ever done.
You watched Cartoon Network over my shoulder as I gave you my virginity.
At my dad's funeral, my friend's mother came up to my sister and asked her how she knew the family.
As I got out of the truck, I happily exclaimed "I didn't fall!" and proceeded to walk straight into the mirror of the car parked next to us.
When picking up my son's birth certificate it dawned on me that the hospital shouldn't have let a woman doped up on Percocet and Morphine fill out the paperwork.
When faced with the choice, I chose the girl who lives 450 miles instead of the girl who I have lunch with every day.
For Me To Know
When packing for Iraq in June, I hid notes in his winter clothes, so he'd know I still loved him.
It never fails to make me smile every time I remember us stealing that man's metal detector so we could search for buried "treasure" on the beach.
We were only sixteen when he asked me to marry him and now, after two kids, a mortgage, and sixteen more blissful years together, I wish I had said yes because it was the only time he ever asked.
It was only when we started using webcams for phone conferencing at work that I learned how to yawn without opening my mouth.
No Really, I am a girl
After letting the cute Whole Foods checkout boy know that I only sounded like a chain-smoking twelve year old going through puberty because I was sick, he simply nodded solemnly and told me to try the Kombucha.
Bored of Boredom
I was already halfway through the mustard-on-a-bun when I realized I forgot to put the hotdog on it.
I probably should not have been so surprised by the odd look the couple in the other truck gave me when they saw me brushing my teeth as I drove down the street in mine.
We decided we could hold it when a huge gray wolf sauntered into the middle of the rest stop.
crash and boom
Narrowly avoiding being hit by the car, I yelled, "Hey, this is a one-way street!" and he yelled back, "I am only going one way!"
Elliott Alter Ego
Pulling over, the biker took off his helmet and bowed his head as the 30 car funeral recession slowly passed.
The day I finally stopped drinking was when my son showed me the bruises I never knew I gave him.
After divorcing my wife and marrying her best friend who was the maid of honor at the former wedding, my nephew married my ex-wife making her my niece.
With amazing coolness I asked him "When you finish, can you please dismount my wife and come outside?"
Her only food for the day was half an ear of corn, so I did not let her see me cry when she broke a piece off and placed it in my hand.
As a child, my parents convinced me that when the ice cream truck played its song, it meant the ice cream was finished.
I watched a gorilla punch a priest and realized I love Halloween.
" . "
Performing a hysterectomy while I was experiencing the worst cramps I'd ever had was hilariously ironic, but I couldn't bring myself to explain to my all male surgical team why I was laughing.
miss milwaukee's nameless
While trick-or-treating, my four-year-old nephew received a plastic baggy full of dirty pennies.
I spent an hour in my psychotherapist's office complaining about a boy and walked out to see him in the waiting room.
Facebook does not understand that I do not want to be friends with the man who threatened to shred me to pieces with glass and drink my blood.
I held the black light up to my friend's keyboard and now you couldn't pay me to touch that thing.
I got written up for being insubordinate for refusing to pick up the dead beaver carcass.
Miss Soviet Ukraine
When my brother was killed, the newspaper accidentally listed me as his daughter.
Missed the email in 2002 from my childhood friend that I thought probably died from crack, but in 2009 I read his email and found him online, alive and a proud grandparent.