KT
Today I adopted a pup from the animal shelter, and bought a vacuum cleaner.
2009-08-30 21:40:40 / Rating: 126 / 
Story archives - August 2009
awkwardme
I froze in utter awkwardness as the gas station attendant told me to stand very still, leaned towards my face with a soft look of concentration in his eyes, raised his hand slowly to my face as if to caress it, and then flicked frantically at a wasp stuck in my bangs.
2009-08-30 21:39:38 / Rating: 236 /
Duck Goes Moo
Having your boyfriend's mother catch you rumaging through her purse that looks exactly like yours does not make for a good introduction.
2009-08-30 21:38:09 / Rating: 168.75 /
writermrsamanda
After he traveled to over 30 countries as a homeless self-proclaimed prophet-of-God, he thought back to when his paranioa was confirmed: back when he caught his wife hiding his medication in his food.
2009-08-21 13:26:46 / Rating: 145.75 /
Event Planner Extraordinaire
We were on a very tight budget, so naturally when the half dressed woman on stilts walked into the private party my immediate response was, "We didn't order that."
2009-08-21 13:25:29 / Rating: 174.75 /
Biff
I was shocked to discover that my fondest childhood memory was actually a scene from an old movie.
2009-08-20 10:15:59 / Rating: 417.5 /
liz
Imagine my surprise this morning on the train, when I reached into my purse and found a block of cheese.
2009-08-20 10:14:09 / Rating: 228.75 /
amused veterinarian
Pointing to the penis, I assured my client that her dog was, in fact, a male not a female, and encouraged her to forgo the bedtime kiss on his "belly button."
2009-08-20 10:13:09 / Rating: 457.75 /
M
I asked my mother why she'd stopped keeping a journal after I was born and she said, "I was finally happy."
2009-08-20 10:12:45 / Rating: 636.25 /
lights
Playing the Minesweeper game on the computer at my mundane job just doesn't seem right when my combat engineer boyfriend is out in the field, really sweeping for mines.
2009-08-20 10:10:38 / Rating: 229.75 /
trisha
While out to lunch with a roommate I hadn't seen in 27 years, she mentioned between bites of her chicken salad sandwich that her first memory at age 3 was watching her mother try to commit suicide by setting herself on fire.
2009-08-20 10:09:14 / Rating: 189.25 /
p.u.
When Mom confessed her ice cream weakness by telling her friends at the beauty parlor that she loved Dove Bars, one lady gasped, "You eat SOAP?!"
2009-08-20 10:08:50 / Rating: 207 /
child
I kept screaming, thinking I'd gone blind, until my mom rushed into my room and told me to open my eyes.
2009-08-20 10:00:21 / Rating: 160 /
Algie
It was only when she recoiled with horror in her eyes that I realized how completely I had misread her signals.
2009-08-18 09:59:08 / Rating: 132.25 /
Mmmhhm
I made five dollars.
2009-08-18 09:57:00 / Rating: 127.25 /
Linda
While helping the dying woman to find her son, I just had to break the law.
2009-08-18 09:56:19 / Rating: 135 /
cg
It wasn't until after he picked me up at my door, took me out to dinner, paid for a movie, bought me ice cream and ate it with me along a darkened riverbank, brought me back home and smiled at me that I realized we had been on a date.
2009-08-18 09:52:06 / Rating: 304.5 /
exaltation of larks
I will always blame my inability to fall asleep and the subsequent years of depression on you letting me fall out of a two story window when I was a toddler.
2009-08-18 09:50:12 / Rating: 93.5 /
Ioana
When he mockingly calls me a kid I mockingly call him a pedophile, but we're both right.
2009-08-12 10:32:28 / Rating: 391.5 /
Madds
Thinking that a wedgie was a kind of cookie, I eagerly accepted one.
2009-08-12 10:31:40 / Rating: 258 /
The guy wearing the bowler hat
When she told me the story of the guy who was hitting on her without knowing she was a lesbian, I got the distinct impression she was telling me, "Stop hitting on me, I am a lesbian."
2009-08-12 10:31:02 / Rating: 268.75 /
Mmmhhm
My mother regretted saying to me, "Paint whatever you like in your room."
2009-08-12 10:29:55 / Rating: 111.5 /
F-town
After a night of heavy drinking we woke up to find "prunes are gross, Jesus" written on her grandma's bag of prunes, with no explanation as to why.
2009-08-12 10:28:37 / Rating: 163 /
Phil
A new record: cherry and ricotta strudel to the abortion debate in less than five minutes.
2009-08-12 10:26:08 / Rating: 88.75 /
BMK
The 94-year-old man, refusing to use a walker, held on to his daughter as though they were in a conga line.
2009-08-12 10:25:45 / Rating: 166.25 /
Reluctant dad
True parenting is going out into the rain to search through the paper recycling bin by torchlight for your son's missing collectible trading cards, and then resisting the urge to strangle him when he finds they were in his coat pocket all the time.
2009-08-10 10:15:33 / Rating: 357 /
Jen Hamilton
The grass thus far is not proving to be greener, but I can sleep with my truth in the weeds.
2009-08-10 10:09:13 / Rating: 231 /
Backpalm John
As she swung the cane towards his head, he grabbed it and watched her teeth snap onto his wrist, resulting in a scar that took thirty-five years to fade.
2009-08-10 09:43:59 / Rating: 96.75 /
Mingle
My five-year-old son, not so patiently listening to the waitress chat, groaned, "When is she gonna get back there and make my pancakes?"
2009-08-10 09:14:24 / Rating: 183.25 /
Dumb American, I guess
When I asked for American cheese on my sandwich at a Subway in Vancouver, the girl replied, "Um, this is CANADA, we have SWISS cheese here."
2009-08-10 09:12:24 / Rating: 263.25 /
Fed Up
I hired a private investigator today.
2009-08-06 14:52:12 / Rating: 109 /
MK
While you were at camp finding God, I was doing shots at a house party.
2009-08-06 14:51:00 / Rating: 203.25 /
AIS
I am fairly certain I accidentally flashed my high school principal and her dinner party while taking a shower
2009-08-06 14:11:06 / Rating: 111.25 /
Birthday Girl
The mother I remember as a 5-year-old cannot possibly be the same woman who double dog dared me to flash cars on the way home from my 23rd birthday dinner.
2009-08-06 13:58:39 / Rating: 211.25 /
Computer-Destroyer
I lost all faith in the professional IT guy when I saw him use Google to diagnose my computer problem.
2009-08-06 13:57:34 / Rating: 97 /
patient
I lost all faith in my doctor the day I saw him use Web-MD to diagnose me.
2009-08-04 22:35:36 / Rating: 196 /
tod
I'll never spread cremains in a public park again.
2009-08-04 22:35:16 / Rating: 63 /
Board Games
It was a sad, sad day when I discovered that my parents and I could not play a game of Clue without dissolving into a yelling match.
2009-08-04 22:34:13 / Rating: 120 /
Haven't learned yet
The men in my life can be explained as one alcoholic stepping stone to another.
2009-08-03 15:58:30 / Rating: 109 /
me
Professional help isn't really helping.
2009-08-03 15:57:58 / Rating: 162.5 /
Jules
Texting, calling, staying up late, talking to boys, watching movies, and definitely using the computer is the tween life.
2009-08-03 15:56:47 / Rating: -16.25 /
Noah
Make up your mind: do you want me to visit my dying grandmother or clean my room?
2009-08-03 15:54:15 / Rating: 123 /
Kalliope
I hacked my ex-husband's IM account only to have a surreal conversation with a gay guy named Rob who was really pissed about the crabs he had caught.
2009-08-03 15:49:58 / Rating: 248.5 /
Yaya girl
Naked in the lake at midnight, we were all laughing until another car pulled into the parking lot.
2009-08-03 15:45:50 / Rating: 107.75 /
Austin
It turns out the kid with the Swastika tattoo on his arm who I always thought was planning on shooting up the school really WAS planning on shooting up the school, but luckily someone braver than me reported him.
2009-08-01 20:16:07 / Rating: 205.75 /