OldMan
As I climbed into the dumpster to retrieve the vomit covered coloring book that my daughter was crying for me to bring back, I realized I would do anything as a parent.
2009-05-29 09:19:10 / Rating: 514.75 / 
Story archives - May 2009
Oh, the irony
It was only after I voted "no" on an unapproved entry that I realized it was one of my own.
2009-05-29 09:19:01 / Rating: 315.5 /
Spinning
I stopped having bruises on my body once I hit my father back in the face.
2009-05-29 09:18:39 / Rating: 605.25 /
Murphy's Lawyer
I thought my sister was joking when she said she wanted to take over the world, but now she's majoring in political science and foreign relations with a minor in economics.
2009-05-29 09:15:13 / Rating: 391.25 /
csm
I felt pretty bad when my husband staggered into the kitchen from the den with a profusely bleeding cut in his forehead, collapsed on the floor and told me "I knew you wouldn't want me to bleed on the carpet."
2009-05-29 09:14:59 / Rating: 581.25 /
A. Jonas Rend
When the surgeon asked me if the woman in the waiting room was my wife, I wanted to say "Someday, I hope."
2009-05-29 09:13:37 / Rating: 459.75 /
Part Duo
He didn't believe in premarital sex until I asked him if he wanted to join me in the shower.
2009-05-29 09:12:37 / Rating: 407 /
Dimby
When my grandma talked her way out of being arrested by the Disney police, I knew it was the best vacation ever.
2009-05-29 09:12:17 / Rating: 880.25 /
Stace
Becoming a stay-at-home mother has made me believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with drinking before noon.
2009-05-28 17:38:31 / Rating: 467.5 /
Gerrie
While walking down a street in New Orleans with his wife and two young daughters, my father was approached by a prostitute.
2009-05-28 15:02:14 / Rating: 178.25 /
Laura
I love the fact that we were best friends for 12 years because once, on the very first day of school, I accidentally took home one of her pencils.
2009-05-28 15:01:04 / Rating: 262.25 /
PM
In the last two months, I've seen my drug dealer more than my best friend.
2009-05-28 14:59:46 / Rating: 210.75 /
Not Our First Date
We didn't talk during the train ride into Chicago because he was reading the personal ads in the back of The New York Review of Books magazine.
2009-05-28 14:59:23 / Rating: 110 /
Oh Duh
It wasn't till my 30s that I realized that "arbitrary" division symbol showed two dots DIVIDED by a line.
2009-05-28 14:58:08 / Rating: 323 /
Cal
Today, I found out my boyfriend was raped exactly one month ago through his post on a public blog.
2009-05-26 13:42:51 / Rating: 213.75 /
Kitsch
The hand on the One Sentence home page is pointing to a link called Where's My Cell Phone on my bookmarks bar, but it actually goes to a crossdressing forum.
2009-05-26 13:41:36 / Rating: 149.5 /
renaichan
Seeing Wolverine's naked hiney with my mom was surprisingly not awkward.
2009-05-26 13:39:05 / Rating: 195 /
Super_Duper
I tried not to laugh as my substitute teacher told us honestly that he is addicted to nasal spray.
2009-05-21 15:47:37 / Rating: 171.25 /
Aimee
Soon my monthly therapy sessions were replaced with monthly orthodontist visits.
2009-05-21 15:45:45 / Rating: 137.75 /
Rae
I was making coffee at 7am on a Wednesday morning when my husband came downstairs to tell me that my brother Joel had killed himself.
2009-05-21 15:45:33 / Rating: 124.75 /
yulie1022
It's scary when ten little kids glare daggers at you and even scarier when you realize that they're all a higher belts than you.
2009-05-21 15:44:34 / Rating: 162.5 /
alterna-student
As I sat with my entire homeroom class and teacher watching The Warriors at 2AM in our school, I fully realized my school was not normal.
2009-05-21 12:42:51 / Rating: 283.75 /
Tmyakal
The fire we started in that corn field was terrible for more reasons than just its failure to produce popcorn.
2009-05-20 14:51:13 / Rating: 476 /
Dmann
After saying "I am missing my G-string" out loud, I realized that nobody knew I was talking about my guitar.
2009-05-20 14:50:55 / Rating: 462.75 /
Clearly dumb AND poor
I thought it a bit odd, but truly believed my mom when she told me that Santa billed parents for all of the toys he left us.
2009-05-20 14:12:33 / Rating: 237 /
lefty
It's amazing how fast you can run when something's on fire.
2009-05-20 14:12:01 / Rating: 171.25 /
Onion Volcano
My wife is self-conscious and overweight after bearing our three children, and I still can't stop tearing her clothes off.
2009-05-20 14:11:38 / Rating: 1562.75 /
Smushed
"Oh, sorry," said the woman unenthusiastically as her 100 pound dog jumped with full force on my 5'0 frame.
2009-05-20 14:10:31 / Rating: 108.75 /
IMissUMamaw
Realizing I would never again brush her soft curly hair, I frantically searched her favorite blanket for the silver strands, then placed them in a Ziploc bag in a desperate attempt to keep her.
2009-05-20 14:10:05 / Rating: 198 /
Mike
So how did eating pickles and devils food cake at 3 am turn into my dad giving me the Heimlich naked?
2009-05-20 10:34:03 / Rating: 269.75 /
even_better
"She's lived in Columbia her entire life," I told my brother, and then, after a moment of reflection added, "Columbia, Maryland."
2009-05-20 10:33:44 / Rating: 94.25 /
Al
I bought aloe vera after the sunburn but before buying the sunscreen.
2009-05-19 11:49:47 / Rating: 83 /
miss you, ollie
There's no graceful way to lower a dog's body into a four-foot-deep hole, no matter how hard you try.
2009-05-19 11:49:27 / Rating: 275.5 /
Horrible smell
Cheez-its and skunk at 2 AM might possibly be the worst smell I have ever encountered.
2009-05-19 08:41:14 / Rating: 116.75 /
Ally S.
Our first kiss seemed to have perfect timing, immediately after her accidental elbow to my forehead.
2009-05-19 08:39:24 / Rating: 206.25 /
Dan
My twin brother told me that if he thought God told him to kill me, he wouldn't think twice.
2009-05-19 08:37:45 / Rating: 317.25 /
Restaurants
The most embarrassing moment wasn't when I accidentally poured a pint of beer down the guest's back but 10 seconds later when I slipped on said beer, fell on to the shattered glass and lost my shoe on my way to get paper towel.
2009-05-15 15:49:27 / Rating: 198.5 /
hoped for better news
Yesterday, I paid a doctor $310 to tell me that it's extremely unlikely that I'll ever conceive a child naturally.
2009-05-14 14:16:35 / Rating: 208.25 /
Purple Sunglasses
When I told my mother I was taking laxatives to avoid gaining weight, her first response was "Did you steal them?"
2009-05-14 14:16:20 / Rating: 197.5 /
David M.
I was watching anime with my son on his thirteenth birthday when I got the call that my brother died of electrocution at age 33.
2009-05-14 14:15:44 / Rating: 161 /
Cerxi
How fitting; the more tarnished my cross necklace became, the more tarnished my faith in it.
2009-05-14 14:14:23 / Rating: 239.5 /
Love
I realized today that squeezing my own boob feels a lot like squeezing my boyfriends butt.
2009-05-14 14:13:24 / Rating: 262.25 /
daisy
I hope my teenage daughter appreciates me one day in the future, when she has to deal with my 15 year old granddaughter after refusing to let her go and camp at a 3 day rave full of drunken stoned hippies.
2009-05-14 13:28:31 / Rating: 201.5 /
dummy
When I told the obnoxious girl next to me to "shut the fuck up," I had no idea that she was both mentally handicapped and the principal's daughter.
2009-05-13 15:12:23 / Rating: 386.25 /
Ainnir
She was only 16, but I guess sledding is a pretty good way to go.
2009-05-13 15:11:29 / Rating: 328.75 /
Z.
When the baby squirrel followed me home and climbed on top of my shoe, I knew I couldn't just leave it out there.
2009-05-13 15:11:22 / Rating: 398.75 /
Ainnir
So we ate home made bread by the Windmills and push started the car when it came time to leave.
2009-05-13 15:11:07 / Rating: 148 /
Haze
Who would have thought that the 40th stubborn text she sent to me after 8 months would actually make me realize I do still love her as a friend, and save our friendship.
2009-05-13 15:09:56 / Rating: 232.25 /
Abby
For his birthday I gave him a Jenga set where every time you pulled out a block, it had a memory, inside joke, or quote on it.
2009-05-13 15:09:38 / Rating: 577.75 /
Welcome Back
As I finished making my father's bed, the hospital called and informed me he wouldn't be needing it.
2009-05-11 11:10:51 / Rating: 272.5 /
"I love you more than anyone else in the world..."
This morning I was dangerously close to buying a 24-pack of condoms with my Mothers' Day card before realizing the embarrassing implications.
2009-05-11 11:07:59 / Rating: 345.25 /
pikachu
My crazy Polish dad came inside after digging a hole for a new tree in the backyard, holding the skull of "Speedy," my cat who had died months before and said, "Look, it's Speedy! Meow!"
2009-05-11 11:06:10 / Rating: 720 /
Free To Choose
I realized how much I had finally let go of religion when I chose my flimsy Bible as a hard surface to write on over one of my hard-backed fantasy novels.
2009-05-11 11:04:13 / Rating: 193 /
pumpkin's
I opened the door to the most important flower delivery of my life.
2009-05-08 12:51:33 / Rating: 175.75 /
..
I never thought at 24 I'd have to move 3000 miles, share an air mattress with my brother, have my car repossessed, and have to file for bankruptcy because my husband decided suicide sounded like a better option than getting professional help.
2009-05-08 12:50:48 / Rating: 376.75 /
Fire
It took me longer than it should have to realize that the blood staining the ground was not the man's, but my own and that he was holding me, not the other way around.
2009-05-08 12:49:44 / Rating: 339 /
vermilion
The most prominent memory I have of my grandmother is the night she tried to kill me.
2009-05-08 12:46:51 / Rating: 296.5 /
lauren
At the age of 12 after a night of particularly heavy discipline, I screamed at my mother that I had called the cops and she told me she might have breast cancer.
2009-05-08 08:03:06 / Rating: 197 /
vermilion
The memorials were covered in hundreds of flowers and the bouquet we had bought from Albertson's blended in with the rest of the blossoms.
2009-05-08 07:59:16 / Rating: 133.75 /
n.
The moment my friend proudly said that he can "rock a shaved head" proved that he is much stronger than I am in dealing with his cancer.
2009-05-08 07:58:57 / Rating: 381.25 /
eric
Resting lazily in the grass, our fingers touched for the first time.
2009-05-08 07:57:30 / Rating: 384.75 /
Lona
The $1 store swiss rolls I bought to console myself were better than all the expensive chocolates I received when we were together.
2009-05-08 07:54:47 / Rating: 226.5 /
Paul
I opened the car door and said out loud, "I hate time," as I prepared to leave the cemetery.
2009-05-05 13:36:03 / Rating: 146.75 /
Lonely in Black
It really sucked that my only friend among the dozens of people there was the one in the casket.
2009-05-04 11:37:16 / Rating: 504 /
W Kevin C
I lost five years of my life for kindly asking someone to put some paper in a bag.
2009-05-04 11:35:49 / Rating: 167.25 /
S
How much of it is genetic anyway?
2009-05-04 11:31:58 / Rating: 142.75 /
Google Earth
When it took me 40 minutes to get from Colorado to Iowa while zoomed in on Google Maps using the arrow keys, I realized biking there wouldn't be an option.
2009-05-04 11:30:56 / Rating: 267.5 /
hollie
While I was walking home from work, it started raining heavily just as I was about to pass my favorite restaurant.
2009-05-04 11:30:06 / Rating: 112.5 /
Kevin
As the cashier gave a knowing look to my wife as she scanned the prenatal vitamins, I realized this random girl is the first person on earth to know we are having a baby.
2009-05-04 11:29:09 / Rating: 509.25 /
Fatimah
There is no square box space on the calender for "3am emergency room visit with daughter."
2009-05-04 11:28:13 / Rating: 127 /
Addicted
I said no, and he didn't stop, so I let him do it anyway so he wouldn't get even more aggressive.
2009-05-01 14:04:22 / Rating: 223.5 /