It's Godzilla!
"Every day I wake up to Hitler!" I proclaimed loudly in a crowded bar, when trying to explain to my friend that I often fall asleep watching the History Channel.
2009-03-31 12:15:11 / Rating: 426.25 / 
Story archives - March 2009
helenthenanny
As a professional nanny, I've found that scaring a baby doesn't alleviate her hiccups, but it does scar her for life.
2009-03-31 12:15:05 / Rating: 232 /
@mac2nite
I wish my husband would have been as faithful as my fat is.
2009-03-30 11:16:43 / Rating: 378.75 /
loboscott
After a few seconds of brushing my teeth, I realized that the store brand flouride toothpaste had the same red and white packaging as the tube of Ben-Gay.
2009-03-30 11:09:33 / Rating: 196.75 /
Georgia
The orange juice I was making while she died ended up being so sour it was undrinkable.
2009-03-30 11:08:03 / Rating: 152.75 /
glued
As I felt the skin of my upper thigh tug as I tried to pull the small bottle of superglue out of my right pocket, I realized something must have gone horribly wrong.
2009-03-30 11:06:01 / Rating: 428.75 /
Daniel Reuben
I realized the ineptitude of my English teacher when she pronounced "faux-pas" phonetically.
2009-03-30 11:01:31 / Rating: 422 /
Distracted
Two seconds after I absentmindedly put in foil-wrapped garlic bread and pressed start, it occurred to me that our microwave doesn't have anything vaguely resembling a large red button with "emergency stop" printed on it.
2009-03-30 11:00:36 / Rating: 167.25 /
green light district
I'm never surprised how often I stop at lights not realizing that they were, in fact, already green when I got there.
2009-03-27 14:17:52 / Rating: 236.75 /
MKSRH
Two weeks after I told him I was too embarrassed to be naked in front of anyone, I was naked in his bed, and I still don't know how he did it.
2009-03-27 14:17:20 / Rating: 579.75 /
Jerij
Had I realized that he would be dead within 24 hours, I would have asked what he meant after he said, "No matter what, I did my best".
2009-03-27 14:14:12 / Rating: 239.5 /
malleohheh
As I licked off my finger I realized how much Spicy Szechuan Sauce looks like Apple Butter and how much my 1-year-old would enjoy cold cereal for breakfast.
2009-03-27 13:02:46 / Rating: 129.25 /
a beautiful disaster
As my lovebird fluttered and died in my hands, my mother promptly announced, "It was your fault."
2009-03-27 13:02:18 / Rating: 246.5 /
Tori
When I was six years old, I cried when my family told me we couldn't go see the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park because they were all already dead.
2009-03-27 12:58:28 / Rating: 198.5 /
One summer
He bounced off three branches before hitting the ground, but when he got up the first thing he said was, "Don't tell Mom!"
2009-03-27 12:40:39 / Rating: 314.75 /
Mo
Delivering pizza became a life-affirming occupation the day the half-naked couple in their seventies opened the door, releasing billowing clouds of pot smoke and Jefferson Airplane into the atmosphere.
2009-03-25 11:32:35 / Rating: 721.5 /
Lauri
I realized today that when my aunt sends emails to the family, she puts my address as a "BCC" so my dad doesn't figure out my email and try to contact me that way too.
2009-03-25 11:30:15 / Rating: 430.5 /
Devon
I found out the girl of my dreams had a huge crush on me one week too late.
2009-03-25 11:29:46 / Rating: 192.25 /
Devon
I have a twisted family that made me believe that chocolate milk came from brown cows until I was 14.
2009-03-25 11:29:36 / Rating: 465.5 /
Darcy
Even though I only saw her a handful of times in my life, whenever I see turquoise jewelry, I want to start crying and apologize for all the unsent letters.
2009-03-25 11:26:47 / Rating: 202.25 /
Pam
For some reason, I was pleasantly surprised when my vanilla pudding tasted like fish.
2009-03-25 11:26:17 / Rating: 111.25 /
Claire
We lost the baby a week after we finished the nursery.
2009-03-25 11:24:32 / Rating: 243.25 /
Shimmer
Before I hit puberty, my whole body could fit through a coat hanger, but I still thought I was fat.
2009-03-25 11:23:23 / Rating: 153.75 /
The EMT
As I declared her grandfatehr deceased, I couldn't help but to feel an urge to call my own.
2009-03-23 13:43:34 / Rating: 174 /
KMH
When the reverend asked me whether or not I'd read the whole, entire Bible, I didn't hesitate in answering, "No, but I read the whole, entire Harry Potter series in one weekend."
2009-03-23 13:42:47 / Rating: 651.75 /
MsInformed
I realized how much I hated working in the OC when I saw a couple pushing a stroller meant for twins, and instead of twins it contained four poodles wearing pink argyle sweaters.
2009-03-19 08:57:33 / Rating: 577.25 /
Bg
I learned a valuable life leason tonight: never eat 50% discounted sushi.
2009-03-19 08:57:16 / Rating: 292.5 /
Dazed and Confused
When I resorted to solely eating birdseed, I realized how pathetic my eating disorder had become.
2009-03-18 15:19:36 / Rating: 259 /
KMH
My ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, who happens to be my ex-girlfriend, is dating my ex-girlfriend and I am honestly happy for them.
2009-03-17 12:15:36 / Rating: 224.75 /
ama
He didn't realize that fruit suspended in jello was considered a salad until we visited my grandparents in Wisconsin.
2009-03-17 12:14:47 / Rating: 289.75 /
no_shame_insomniac
When my professor asked me how stressed out I was, I explained to her that I had been naked in a public restroom that morning and didn't even realize it.
2009-03-17 12:14:23 / Rating: 383.75 /
princessobama
I knew I had to find a steady boyfriend when the cat ate my birth control pill.
2009-03-17 12:13:21 / Rating: 170.75 /
DefiantScribbler
We held up our mother like lonely shelved encyclopedias.
2009-03-17 12:10:22 / Rating: 170.5 /
Not A Runner
My body thinks I should find new running partners- the kind that don't compete in marathons.
2009-03-16 12:03:40 / Rating: 235.25 /
your name
The night I told him I love him we found my cat dead on my neighbor's lawn.
2009-03-16 12:03:22 / Rating: 131.5 /
Selene
I suddenly felt more isolated than before when I realized that my husband and I were in the same house, communicating by Twitter.
2009-03-16 12:01:42 / Rating: 226.25 /
Al
I seriously wasn't expecting *that* long of an awkward silence after her mother joked that we should get back together.
2009-03-16 12:01:30 / Rating: 154 /
SanDiegoGal
My dad showed up drunk to my senior prom just to say hello.
2009-03-13 15:44:05 / Rating: 437.25 /
Appropriated Agenda
Promptly after arriving at college and trying to clean up after my roommates, I phoned my mom and apologized for 18 years of not helping tidy the kitchen more.
2009-03-13 15:41:38 / Rating: 366.25 /
Kat
As I looked across the table at my husband and his new boyfriend, I found myself oddly happy for them.
2009-03-13 15:41:17 / Rating: 607.75 /
what to do...
I soon discovered that thinking, "Don't puke, don't puke" does not prevent one from puking in the middle of a final exam in front of 400 people.
2009-03-13 15:41:09 / Rating: 398 /
Rahanduncensored
How many couples go out for breakfast together after their final divorce hearing?
2009-03-13 11:20:10 / Rating: 285.25 /
hellogoodbye
Seeing the way you acted last week made me almost happy I lost our baby.
2009-03-13 11:19:01 / Rating: 152.75 /
travelingtoe
The cashier at the liquor store said she was worried about me because she hadn't seen me the day before.
2009-03-13 11:16:46 / Rating: 588 /
Jocelyn
After years of proclaiming my extreme objection to cell phones, all it took for me to get one was a message on my voicemail from my mother saying she had to take a cab to the emergency room because I was not home to answer her call.
2009-03-12 13:04:54 / Rating: 228.25 /
Doug Anilasti
I pretended to still be sleeping while my wife whispered into the phone, "He's gone till six tonight, baby."
2009-03-12 13:03:29 / Rating: 344 /
Lester
I can't get to the library card in my wallet because your picture is in there too.
2009-03-12 13:00:14 / Rating: 265.25 /
ksiebs
There isn't much greater evidence that you've had a fun night than waking up under a pool table with a picture of a horse and a stapler.
2009-03-11 14:57:51 / Rating: 255.5 /
Katie L
He draws me pictures on my toaster strudels just like my mom used to do.
2009-03-11 14:56:14 / Rating: 377.25 /
Breakfast
As I watched my cousin get ready for the prom just three hours after her father's funeral, I realized how much I love my parents.
2009-03-11 14:55:08 / Rating: 235.25 /
Disappointment of a daughter
She was more upset when I told her I was a vegetarian than when I told her I was a lesbian.
2009-03-11 13:24:40 / Rating: 287.25 /
Jaxz
As my knife found his flesh, I never would have guessed that my would be rapist would later sue me for his medical bills.
2009-03-11 13:24:13 / Rating: 464.25 /
R
All through dinner I thought her leg was touching mine until I looked down and realized it was only the table leg.
2009-03-10 11:23:36 / Rating: 423 /
John Sheirer
Thinking of my wife, I accidentally said, "I love you" into my boss's answering machine.
2009-03-10 11:22:27 / Rating: 519.25 /
Jaded
It took a stalker to realize that maybe I shouldn't be naked on the internet anymore.
2009-03-10 11:16:31 / Rating: 195.5 /
MBM
The death threat wasn't even the worst part of my day.
2009-03-10 11:15:35 / Rating: 250.25 /
Bored of Boredom
Nothing is more embarassing than having to tell the doctors that the stab to my eye that was causing me to get the stitches in my eyelid was all because my sister was trying to write 'loser' on my forehead.
2009-03-10 11:14:57 / Rating: 203.75 /
Poeta
I'm reconsidering allowing my dog to sleep with me after I found a flea on me this morning.
2009-03-10 11:14:03 / Rating: 123 /
jerk
Before I even finished my sentence, I realized that this was the second time I'd made a "your mom" joke to her since her mom died.
2009-03-10 11:12:02 / Rating: 187 /
Devon
"I have gone to Prague," she wrote, "to be without you."
2009-03-09 12:41:58 / Rating: 262.75 /
the other girl
"I would run away with you tomorrow if I weren't dating your best friend," he said while we were having sex on my best friend's bed.
2009-03-09 12:41:44 / Rating: 170.25 /
Steven Gomez
I said, "Take it slow," and she said, "Take it or go," so I went.
2009-03-09 12:41:33 / Rating: 209.5 /
17
I was indescribably relieved to find out in the ultrasound room that it wasn't a baby but a mysterious 14 centimeter mass.
2009-03-09 12:39:29 / Rating: 150.75 /
Stephanie
Somehow, I think she would have preferred I said "lesbian" rather than "Wiccan."
2009-03-09 12:38:57 / Rating: 156 /
Timmy D
My dog doesn't understand daylight savings.
2009-03-09 12:14:10 / Rating: 281.5 /
KC
My mom's old cat still insists on purring when he sees me, even though a tumor on his vocal chords means he can't breathe when he does so.
2009-03-09 12:13:26 / Rating: 723.75 /
sensei
On my 30th birthday I got rid of my horrible husband, changed the locks, got a tattoo on my foot and spent the night with the man I really loved.
2009-03-09 12:13:17 / Rating: 494 /
feeling blonde
Freshman year of high school is an embarrassing time to learn that marine biologists have nothing to do with the armed forces.
2009-03-09 12:11:34 / Rating: 194.75 /
Lily
I politely explained to the intoxicated frat boys that I never drink because my family has a history of alcoholism.
2009-03-09 11:17:20 / Rating: 160.25 /
written in the sand
We promised ourselves we'd wait until our fifth wedding anniversary to tell our families we met in a porn chatroom.
2009-03-06 13:30:02 / Rating: 620.25 /
Dennis Martin
The young man standing nearest the casket was dressed exactly the same to his identical twin brother, who was lying in it.
2009-03-06 13:29:31 / Rating: 397.75 /
Melissa
It just dawned on me that I paid 20 cents for his text that said "Don't ever call me again."
2009-03-06 13:29:14 / Rating: 203 /
Ouch
Waking up in the ER with someone cutting your clothes off, a broken femur, and other injuries from a head on collison you don't remember, is not the best way to spend your Christmas Eve.
2009-03-06 13:26:29 / Rating: 140.25 /
hanlet
I fed her the last meal she would eat.
2009-03-06 10:55:47 / Rating: 145 /
They have it in for us...
I found out today that the notebook with three chapters of my eleven chapter story and the entire outline of the book was thrown out a week ago.
2009-03-06 10:22:57 / Rating: 114.5 /
S. A.
While I was running around screaming about the huge fire I caused in the dorm kitchen, a girl wearing pajamas calmly walked in, extinguished the fire, and asked me to keep it down because she was trying to study.
2009-03-06 10:17:11 / Rating: 647 /
But it still feels like my fault
The newspaper failed to mention I was completely sober returning from work and that she was a suicidal alcoholic with a history of jumping in front of cars.
2009-03-05 12:39:42 / Rating: 931.25 /
hunter
I once got barfed on by a baby during hour 3 of a 14-hour plane flight to Australia.
2009-03-05 12:38:04 / Rating: 147.25 /
James
When I was 14 I saw a gang of younger kids killing a wild rodent, so I went behind the apartment building and cried.
2009-03-05 11:40:23 / Rating: 246.25 /
njn118
If I had only gotten out of bed when my alarm went off, she might still be alive today.
2009-03-05 11:39:37 / Rating: 181.75 /
Panda Bear
I was almost said it out loud, but then I realized "I almost bit your armpit" is a weird thing to tell someone.
2009-03-05 11:39:17 / Rating: 177.5 /
Mistaken confidentiality
An excited 3 AM call about his first homosexual experience in desperate confidentiality to June, was followed by my response of, "Um, you have the wrong number."
2009-03-05 11:38:10 / Rating: 577 /
Why I Enjoy Class
When I said to my best friend that I wanted to bite my biology teacher's ass, I didn't think he was walking behind me.
2009-03-05 11:30:19 / Rating: 237.75 /
sad day
Not 24 hours after he dumped me outside of my 6th period chemistry class, I discovered I was pregnant with his baby.
2009-03-05 11:28:57 / Rating: 170.5 /
lights
I did not expect the weekend before my career-defining exam to include 22 hours of vomiting, being stalked, or losing a best friend.
2009-03-05 11:27:30 / Rating: 123.25 /
Geea
It was disturbing to hear her say in an oddly cheerful voice, "I was raped last night."
2009-03-05 11:26:39 / Rating: 147.75 /
Umm...
I considered the date over when he announced that he was going to be a dad by the time he was 20.
2009-03-05 11:25:58 / Rating: 148.5 /