Joker in a Dress
The Halloween store clerk looked surprised when I asked for a non-slutty nurse costume.
The Halloween store clerk looked surprised when I asked for a non-slutty nurse costume.
As the actor dressed in the Minnie costume stepped on my sandaled four-year old foot after I asked for an autograph I never received, I realized that Disneyland was not "The Happiest Place on Earth" after all.
When you told me to go to hell I spent the rest of the night contemplating stabbing myself with a pair of scissors.
When I think of Halloween, I think of how your roommates must have found you that night.
Every surface of my home is covered in dog hair, and it serves two purposes: it reminds me of how much I enjoy sharing my life with my dogs and it deters my mother from visiting unannounced.
One of my most vivid memories as a child was kicking my brothers privates, not because I was mad at him, but because I was curious if the men in the movies really felt the pain.
Our relationship ended when she was fantasizing and comparing me to a fiction character: Edward.
If you think it's degrading to be a trophy wife, try being a trophy child.
I really did complain about my shoes before my sister-in-law came back from Iraq without feet.
It's funny how scared housemates get when you put up a note about a possible spider living in the bathroom.
Telling an athiest that your unborn child not having a heartbeat is "part of god's plan" makes absolutely nothing better.
When I was three, I thought my mom's hot curling iron was a popsicle.
I went to my father's second wedding tripping on acid and wasn't invited to his third.
I grew tired long ago of people staring at my nearly bald 15-year-old head, so I now explain why I pull it out.
I've slept with a fan on every night for the past 13 years, 7 months, and 14 days.
When the brain tumor failed to kill her, we were convinced that it's because evil doesn't die.
As a child, I used to put every single one of my teddy bears around me on my bed before going to sleep thinking that I would be safe from the monsters that way.
I'd secretly made the ramp higher than agreed, and as I watched my brother's bicycle land on top of him, I realized with growing panic that he was definitely going to tell on me.
25 years later, I still feel guilty for shooting that leopard frog in the head with my BB gun.
I never thought I could become immune to watching my boys drink water out of the dog's bowl.
It was only when the blood started running down my arms that I suddenly realised that changing the lightbulb while drunk might not have been such a good idea.
I was mopping the blood off the floor when I realized just how dumb it was of me to try to tackle him in the bathroom in the first place.
When on Christmas break in south California, I was asked "How cold is it in Fairbanks?" to which I replied "105 degrees colder than here."
I got a flu shot today without crying, screaming, or hyperventilating.
My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.
On our middle school class trip to new York City, my cousin got slapped by a bum.
Not being quite attuned to college life, I reflexively put my old home address while ordering a porn DVD.
What is the correct answer when a six year old asks you what anal sex is?
When he said, "Hey, beautiful," I thought he was talking to me, until I saw the Bluetooth in his ear.
After calculating that I wasted 6500 hours in church the first 25 years of my life, I vowed to spend 6500 hours doing volunteer work that would actually make a difference in the world.
I just spent forty minutes on the phone, gave my name four times, corrected my email address four times, and gave my phone number three times, so that I could be told that there's a fee for support for "technical problems."
I always tried to tell myself that it didn't matter, but it does.
There are few things that inspire as much panic as being alone in a fitting room and considering asking for help out of a too-small dress that is covering your chest, face, and arms, leaving you barefoot in your underwear and your hands useless in the air.
I'm not an overweight 19-year-old female, but Facebook ads seem to think so.
This evening in the shower, I was overwhelmed by paranoia and turned the spray off three times, standing absolutely still, ears perked, to be sure that no one was in the house.
My only crush in the seventh grade rejected me in an overkill fashion, "I'm like the frog on the lily pad, and you are like the dirt at the bottom of the lake," he said.
I decided that he's a sexy librarian and can speak Dewey decimals to me all day.
All the growling and screaming in the world will never sound as horrible as the gurgling sound made by my mother's last breath.
It took only the threat of a divorce and some incriminating photos on Facebook to silence our once-daily sister chats.
I couldn't help but chuckle when my ex-girlfriend told me how her three-year-old brother drew a picture of me for her new boyfriend.
It's been a month today since he died and this website was my last port of call for somewhere he might have hidden a message to me.
My little brother thinks that he is a super hero because he is convinced he can poop the alphabet.
I realized the dress code was less strict that I had previously thought when the female science teacher showed up wearing lederhosen.
You know you've had too much sugar when your tears begin to smell like apple pie.
If I hadn't sent him the link to a one sentence story after we broke up, then I might not be sitting here next to him and pregnant with his baby.
I blacked out and woke up in a bigger hospital one hundred miles away from the first when the neurosurgeon flicked my big toe.
The day I was ready to tell him "Yes" was the day he came in holding my best friend's hand.
You wonder why I know your little secret, but you forget that you gave me your email password.
I only remember he's colorblind when I see a cardinal and remember our first date.
For breakfast, my Mongolian host parents gave me a boiled sheep's head and a knife.
Three were raped, one abused, one is forever unsatisfied with who she is, two, maybe three are cutters, one truly believes she's a slut by nature, one is seventeen with the mind of a ten year old, one is an orphan, one is as mental as I am, and I wouldn't trade any of them for all the perfect friends in the world.
When my three year old said that all "towel heads are evil," I knew it was time to explain how grandpop was a racist.
As my friend was trying to explain to the 911 operator that we needed an ambulance at a biking trail named "Who's your daddy," I realized that I would be laying on the ground for a long time before being rescued.
As soon as I heard my father ask 'Why is the toilet seat in bed with her?' that morning, I kicked myself for not checking on my sickly mother the night before.
As I stood shivering and topless outside 7-11 at 3 in the morning with a strange woman who was just let out of jail, I wondered whether it was a sign to stop drinking or a suggestion to drink more.
The first thing they said at orientation was "don't date your students" and 6 weeks into the semester I'm doing just that.
When I asked my son how hitting his brother in the eye could be "an accident," he replied, "I was trying to hit him in the nose."
I hadn't known joy until my daughter was born, and I didn't know sorrow until she died.
After your twin brother got me pregnant, I was relieved that the baby would still look like you.
I let my cat eat chocolate last week and swear to god we've been best friends ever since.
Walking downtown, holding hands with my long-haired boyfriend, I often wondered how many people who saw us from behind thought we were lesbians.
In order to desensitize my roommate to various things involved in childbirth I hid sticky notes around the room with the words like "placenta" on them.
I felt the greatest culture shock of my move to Oklahoma when I offended a co-worker by making fun of water dowsing.
Let us hope that the man I saw swerve into a big rig survives to read this sentence.
After months of separation and pain, my wife, who was a high school teacher in North Carolina, invited me back home only to have a high school student in her bed when I arrived.
When I found out the boy whose small gestures of kindness in high school had given me faith in humanity had hanged himself, I lost that faith in humanity.
Running into my uptight, conservative boss at a gay bar was both the most embarrassing and the most gratifying experience of my life.
When you said I wasn't allowed to say anything at the funeral because it would be "improper," I knew I hated you.
You know you live in a hippie commune when you go to bed alone and wake up with three other people and think this is normal.
I only have 70 days left to live, but I'm looking for a job anyway.
I knew I shouldn't marry her when the plane carrying my proposal on a banner crashed on take-off and killed the pilot.
The man who cut me off in the Starbucks parking lot proceeded to hold the door for me as we entered.
When the polygraph ended, he looked up and smiled at me saying, "I'll give you this: I've been doing this a long time and you are the most nervous person I've ever met."
I called 911 and discovered that I don't know how to stay calm in an emergency.
I tried to ignore the fact that I was alone in my dorm on a Saturday night and focused my energy into color-coding the rest of my shoes.
"One Sentence" helped me stay awake until two in the morning so I could take my second morning after pill.