zeroknowing
I got up quietly, went out the side door, snuck around the back, and there was my father sneaking a cigerette, too.
2008-07-30 14:42:41 / Rating: 210 / 
Story archives - July 2008
MADk
I imagine the people at Harvard gave my application the same look Mary received from the Israelites when she told them her new son, Jesus, was immaculately conceived.
2008-07-30 14:41:13 / Rating: 186.25 /
I don't even know you but I will never forget you
Each time I buckle my young daughters life jacket, I can still see her mom, running, screaming across the sand as they try and revive her.
2008-07-30 14:39:31 / Rating: 120.5 /
Youth Minister
Its four in the morning, I'm still sitting at Denny's smoking, and I just now realized that it's because going to sleep means having to wake up tomorrow.
2008-07-30 14:34:41 / Rating: 114.75 /
shorty
You made your sister an only child after the "Half of My Heart is in Iraq" sticker on your truck became untrue.
2008-07-30 14:33:50 / Rating: 69.75 /
when1wasaboy
When the boy I almost killed myself over in high school announced his breakup over Facebook, I realized I was living the life I had always dreamed about.
2008-07-30 14:33:24 / Rating: 44.5 /
VeDosis
My three-year-old son brought me my anti-depressants, asked me to take them and come outside and play.
2008-07-29 13:52:56 / Rating: 375.75 /
Bottoms Up
It figures: the one time I get a hot-looking nurse, it's for my colonoscopy.
2008-07-29 13:52:30 / Rating: 211.5 /
Stephen
My father almost died when I was 14 because I lied to my Mom, telling her there was nothing in the drawer where I found his suicide note.
2008-07-29 12:17:42 / Rating: 91.75 /
he told me i'd argue with a stop sign...
Going up in the elevator at 7:59 a.m. on the dot like always, I realized that my ride on the elevator is never quite long enough.
2008-07-29 12:15:49 / Rating: 60.75 /
Wheat Thin
If my mother had told me I was pretty I wouldn't have put slutty pictures of myself online.
2008-07-25 16:12:31 / Rating: 169.75 /
She deserved it.
I accidentally cut my finger open while slicing honeydew and bled on it, then licked the blood off, and served it to my mother-in-law.
2008-07-25 16:12:07 / Rating: 191.5 /
callmejackieo
"But people are coming to your house who DO eat meat!" shouted Bridezilla as we discussed the menu for her lingerie shower.
2008-07-25 16:11:42 / Rating: 74 /
MayraLuz
It happened in a closet.
2008-07-25 16:08:56 / Rating: 113.5 /
Josh
Who expects to actually slip on marbles like they do in the movies?
2008-07-25 16:02:21 / Rating: 197.25 /
Matt
The day he beat me into unconsciousness was the day I learned to lie to my mom.
2008-07-25 11:07:38 / Rating: 139.25 /
awkward
When my girlfriend and I were robbed, the cop asked if the red spots on my neck were from the fight.
2008-07-25 10:19:38 / Rating: 112.5 /
A-P
In a move of classic "girlyism," I Googled wedding photographers in your hometown, just in case.
2008-07-25 00:16:38 / Rating: 103.25 /
gardenrivernymph
After two years in grad school, thousands of dollars in loans, and countless sleepless nights I've realized that I'd rather be have my hands in the soil than have my nose in a book.
2008-07-25 00:15:12 / Rating: 135.75 /
OMFG
I went over to the counter to try on a pair of gorgeous glasses in front of the mirror, when I saw the reflection of my boyfriend kissing the pizza guy right behind me.
2008-07-23 12:01:54 / Rating: 314.5 /
State-sponsored
I knew I was at a low point when I became jealous that my friend's unemployment checks were bigger than mine by two dollars.
2008-07-23 11:59:08 / Rating: 195 /
Ian
When I was reading Walden on a park bench, a homeless black man walked past and said "I used to read Thoreau".
2008-07-23 11:54:59 / Rating: 427.5 /
Gene
"I can tell you about this," he said, "because the statute of limitations has run out."
2008-07-23 10:35:13 / Rating: 151.25 /
Laura
Today I had to use my mom's deodorant, and now I feel weird because I smell like her.
2008-07-22 12:25:41 / Rating: 118.25 /
Kelli
I showed him mine and he showed me his, and dispite the drunkeness of the action, the whole world made sense, if just for a second.
2008-07-22 12:24:54 / Rating: 170.75 /
J
Did the nurse really have to laugh when my mom said her nine-year-old had dropped a toenail in his eye and we couldn't find it?
2008-07-22 12:23:17 / Rating: 109.25 /
Emera
A sleepover is a bad idea when your parents have really loud sex.
2008-07-22 12:22:13 / Rating: 286 /
Feenix
He sang to me as we danced in the fountain and later he caressed my cheek, stroked my neck, touched my adam's apple, and asked me if I was a man.
2008-07-21 16:12:16 / Rating: 211 /
IF only
A barren womb may destroy more than just the dreams of a life that never will be.
2008-07-21 16:12:01 / Rating: 81.75 /
Angela
I stole a ring from a souvenir shop because I didn't know what money was.
2008-07-21 16:11:37 / Rating: 71.75 /
Greg
When asked to donate a dollar to Lou Gehrig's Disease research (ALS), the customer replied, "No, I'm not a Yankees fan".
2008-07-21 16:04:03 / Rating: 130.5 /
1234
Searching for the runaway horses by bike seemed like a good idea until I found myself stranded with two horses, a bicycle, and no shoes.
2008-07-21 15:37:19 / Rating: 218.25 /
Cara
I discovered in front of the entire store that gourmet dog biscuits look like, but do not taste like, people cookies.
2008-07-21 15:36:48 / Rating: 109 /
Aub
I think my dad realized I would never take out the garbage again when the trash bag he told me to pick up turned out to be a three-foot-long snake coiled up in a corner.
2008-07-21 15:36:15 / Rating: 105 /
Tom
From the moment her arms wrapped around my chest and her head found its place against my shoulder, I knew beyond a doubt that I would never think of five feet as too short ever again.
2008-07-18 01:31:48 / Rating: 915.5 /
Dicky
The sadness and disappointment in my father's voice once I told him I killed the crab moved me to tears.
2008-07-18 01:28:34 / Rating: 85 /
felinefevah
I panicked, thinking my precious fluffy cat had a tumor, until I realized he just had a Cocoa Puff stuck to his ass.
2008-07-18 01:26:39 / Rating: 313.75 /
Whoops
I deserved the false positive of the pregnancy test for leaving it in my car for two weeks in the Florida sun.
2008-07-17 09:19:20 / Rating: 83 /
lucius
In my entire life, I never smiled so genuinely as when smiling back at our new baby girl.
2008-07-16 16:16:23 / Rating: 136.75 /
jamie
When my "flu" suddenly caused my breasts to swell and become sore, I realized it may actually be morning sickness.
2008-07-16 16:15:06 / Rating: 118.75 /
the girl on the moon beneath the tree
what made me angriest was that they gave my ex boyfriend the credit for my suicide attempt when it really was about the girl i was in love with.
2008-07-16 16:14:38 / Rating: 149.5 /
S
I told the eighty-something-year-old man to "Have a nice day", and he told me to "Have a nice life."
2008-07-16 10:55:04 / Rating: 326 /
Censorhip Sucks...
I realized what liberal parents I had when my friend got in trouble for reading one of the books I lent her.
2008-07-16 10:54:07 / Rating: 167 /
Dusty
I didn't tell her the candy she popped in her mouth had just been half-eaten by the dog.
2008-07-16 10:53:46 / Rating: 59.75 /
Jules
I have a clock in my living room that my dad loved and it stopped on the day he died at the exact time of his death.
2008-07-16 10:42:36 / Rating: 238.25 /
duckie
I was having hot and steamy sex wearing nothing but my grandma's pearls, wondering if she had ever done the same exact thing.
2008-07-15 10:23:59 / Rating: 397 /
Randy
The last thing I saw before the shrapnel hit us was my buddy, Ryan, smiling at me while saying, "Relax or you'll die all tense."
2008-07-15 10:23:46 / Rating: 335.25 /
Kay Ay Elle
She looked like just another girl with bleach blonde pink streaked hair, tight jeans, black shirt, and boyfriend to match walking around the mall, but then I noticed the sword in her right hand.
2008-07-15 10:22:05 / Rating: 78.5 /
heather
I couldn't decide which was weirder: falling asleep next to a stack of unopened bank statements or waking up on top of a bunch of open ones.
2008-07-15 10:21:16 / Rating: 72.5 /
Eric
It's difficult to explain to my 10 year-old sister that I had really no idea the cat was sleeping under the car when I left for school.
2008-07-15 10:21:01 / Rating: 55.5 /
Troy
I let my mother believe the spoon bent under the stress of ice cream because I couldn't admit to her that I was psychic.
2008-07-15 10:19:01 / Rating: 83.75 /
Girl
I was 19 when I learned to ride my bike.
2008-07-15 10:17:41 / Rating: 85.5 /
What a combination
I walked out of the drug store with a "Congratulations on your new baby" card, a month's worth of birth control pills, and a coupon for personal hygene wipes wondering what the cashier must be thinking.
2008-07-14 16:57:44 / Rating: 81 /
Chris
When the Elvis impersonator in front of me had to fish through his duffel-bag for ID I knew that I was about to be carded.
2008-07-14 16:57:27 / Rating: 52.75 /
Trishy
The happiest moment of my life was when I won a pack of Sprite on the radio.
2008-07-14 12:42:09 / Rating: 91.5 /
Thomas
As I held my son back while he was screaming at his dead mother, I had the strangest feeling I had seen this exact scene in a movie.
2008-07-14 12:41:32 / Rating: 136.25 /
LostTheories
You know your life is taking a turn for the surreal when you chart out how one will spend the months to come in jail.
2008-07-14 12:37:30 / Rating: 59.75 /
Frog Kisser
Sober, I asked him if most people were drunk when they got their tattoos and, needle poised above my flesh, he explained, "The smart ones are."
2008-07-14 09:13:45 / Rating: 102 /
zelmia
I was 7-years-old when I learned to ride a bike, all the while humiliated as my 5-year-old brother literally rode circles around me.
2008-07-14 09:12:27 / Rating: 57.5 /
deaconb
To my ten year old brain, wearing a homemade, dangling fork necklace was a great idea, until I knelt down and jabbed myself in the leg.
2008-07-10 15:33:52 / Rating: 112.5 /
Eddie
I still have the two huge dictionaries that my mother beat me with as a child.
2008-07-10 15:33:32 / Rating: 101 /
Emily
He was running towards me, calling my name, when all of the sudden he stopped and made a horrid face as he looked at his shoe.
2008-07-10 15:32:45 / Rating: 149.25 /
Emily
We got quite the looks at the hospital, walking around with her hands glued to my feet in wheelbarrow position.
2008-07-10 15:32:31 / Rating: 185 /
Beckii
My childhood finally made sense when I saw a cross dresser walk down the street and realized that that was my dad.
2008-07-10 15:32:07 / Rating: 364.75 /
R
Yesterday, I got a black eye from a plastic hammer.
2008-07-10 15:31:22 / Rating: 87.5 /
married yet single mom
While my husband was deployed I would smoke pot in my bathroom with a neighbor while the kids were asleep.
2008-07-09 17:40:17 / Rating: 112.25 /
Bean
I took note when he pronounced it "lie-berry" so that no one in the office could call me arrogant for considering myself smarter than my boss.
2008-07-09 17:38:32 / Rating: 92.75 /
Frog Kisser
I began to wonder what kind of vibe I was putting off when a guy gave me his number on a $20 bill, a married couple propositioned me, and I was set up with a porn star all in one week.
2008-07-09 17:38:21 / Rating: 171.25 /
Frog Kisser
When he sent the text asking if I was "nekkid," I wasn't sure if I was more offended by his question or his spelling.
2008-07-09 17:37:15 / Rating: 199.25 /
January
I just saw my uncle get arrested on a 1994 episode of Cops.
2008-07-09 00:01:39 / Rating: 391.25 /
Snafu Suz
As I dropped my spare change into his cup and heard a splash, I was horrified to realize he was not a homeless person begging for money but just a guy on the corner enjoying his coffee.
2008-07-09 00:01:01 / Rating: 363.75 /
Matt
When my wife's only comment to my former mistress was "Thanks for taking care of him while I was away," I knew that I would never again be unfaithful .
2008-07-08 23:59:56 / Rating: 132.75 /
Halloween
I realized the world had changed from when I was a kid when they not only took all the candy but also the bowl we'd had for 20 years.
2008-07-08 09:54:34 / Rating: 99 /
smella
By the age of eight I had decided that my worst fear in life would be to ever get haemorrhoids, and I even spelt it right as I wrote it on my grade 3 paper.
2008-07-08 09:53:46 / Rating: 97.5 /
secret
When I was 12, my family had to sleep in a family friend's garage and I didn't feel ashamed until her daughter told everyone at school.
2008-07-07 14:39:15 / Rating: 127.5 /
COD
Before I was a parent I never could have imaged that one day I would own both a horse and a saddle that are worth more than my car.
2008-07-07 14:18:03 / Rating: 92.75 /
Starbucks
Every Wednesday morning on my way to chemotherapy, I stop at Starbucks for a tall black and white, even though I can't drink it, just to remind myself of the freedom I've lost to this disease.
2008-07-07 14:00:14 / Rating: 128 /
Randy
To this day I still don't know how I lost those two toes on my left foot.
2008-07-07 13:59:30 / Rating: 98 /
KC
I was so disappointed when I learned Santa was Mom and Dad, but I am so excited now that Santa is me.
2008-07-07 13:59:19 / Rating: 334 /
Noa
The irony that I had taken a day off from my job collecting horse urine to go to the doctors and have to provide a urine sample did not escape me at all.
2008-07-07 13:57:05 / Rating: 101.75 /
Marley
The last time mom called me out of the blue, she told me she had lung cancer.
2008-07-07 10:36:17 / Rating: 90.5 /
tamaria
He was smiling at me until he realized that all he was ringing in for me was a box of laxatives.
2008-07-07 10:35:22 / Rating: 86.5 /
Say Aaaahhhh
The vet and I laughed until we cried when my boyfriend almost fainted because she took his cat's temperature rectally.
2008-07-03 12:00:13 / Rating: 169.75 /
goulide
When my dad finally decided that having a gay child was better than having a dead child, we started talking again.
2008-07-01 15:14:52 / Rating: 352.25 /
Twinkie
It was an awkward moment when I told the waitress I liked fish tacos and my mother told me not to talk to a woman like that.
2008-07-01 15:13:34 / Rating: 304 /
Lisa K. S.
I thought he was going to ask me for a dollar, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend I blurted, "No, can't you get it from somebody else?"
2008-07-01 15:13:13 / Rating: 380 /
TheArchimage
I knew I was going to fail the class when the professor pulled me aside and asked, "Do you have a learning disability I should know about?"
2008-07-01 15:12:30 / Rating: 219.75 /
Loving Mother
Unconditional love is when you take the batteries from your vibrator to power your child's favorite car.
2008-07-01 15:11:11 / Rating: 538.75 /
Tin
The one-night-stand girl and I met again at an extended family reunion.
2008-07-01 15:10:46 / Rating: 332 /
Kole Casey
I moved into my very first apartment and found out that one of my roommates was trying to videotape me in the shower.
2008-07-01 15:08:21 / Rating: 84.75 /
Butters
Sorry, Mom and Dad, but when I said "law school in Chicago" what I meant was "culinary school in Vegas."
2008-07-01 15:07:33 / Rating: 111.5 /
sexuallyfrustrated
I couldn't stop staring at his crotch as we sorted concrete mixes in the lab.
2008-07-01 15:03:20 / Rating: 66 /
jacquivs
The other nurses knew exactly what she meant when she called a Code Brown.
2008-07-01 14:56:52 / Rating: 78.5 /