My wife died eight days before her 35th birthday which would have been ten days ago.
My wife died eight days before her 35th birthday which would have been ten days ago.
Seeing a 40 year old crack whore wearing a shirt saying "You can't afford me" and knowing she's probably right made me realize I'd hit rock bottom.
Because I have an aversion to admitting weakness, I don't have the money to pay for next semester and my parents think it's already paid.
He wouldn't let me kill myself the night he told me he didn't love me, but he never called after that to see if I was still alive.
When I thought of how much my friend has done for his girlfriend, I realized how ugly Helen of Troy must have been that there was only a war because of her.
When my Catholic grandmother watches America's Funniest Home Videos she laughs hardest when a man is hit in the groin and that makes me laugh harder.
My online dating service matched me with my cousin.
Spending New Year's Eve alone at my parent's house during my last winter break won't doom me to a lonely, sexless 2008, will it?
I really wish my new office mate could tell a story in one sentence.
As we carried the fishing rods to the dock, it never occurred to me that the punch I had landed on the back of his head had started the end of my longest friendship.
Every time that my supervisor and I flirt, it seems that it is less of a joke than the time before.
You know you're a lonely person when you have to bake your own birthday cake.
If you read the shortest verse in the Bible and truly understand it, you don't need to read the rest of them.
Until that night I'd never realized talking about video games at a bar constituted as flirting.
She thought I was looking at myself in the mirror, but I was actually flirting with another girl from across the room whose ass and eyes I caught in the reflection.
I was so entranced by the flashing purple light in front of me that I didn't notice the flashing blue and red ones behind me for over five minutes.
Standing next to my dad this Christmas, I realized for the first time that he's reached the age at which people begin to get shorter.
I am so glad I got that chance to just hold him and talk to him and breathe in his little doggie smell.
Grandma hasn't been the same since she flipped her SUV into that ravine.
Even while my father was standing in the driveway, telling my family he didn't love my mother and couldn't stay, he was still my hero.
They didn't have the DVD she wanted at Wal-Mart, so I bought her a big red bong for Christmas instead.
Fred died less than sixteen hours after he attended our concert, after which he had repeatedly told us how well we'd done.
It took me getting pregnant at 18 for my family to finally realize I'm not a child anymore.
The nine year old said he had moved on from his best friend, who was killed by a falling branch a year ago, but as he stared at the spot where he died, I knew he hadn't.
My dad, always looking for a bargain, picked up an ugly, dying, needles-falling-off tree on Christmas Eve; five hours later, he was dead and the tree was still there.
I realized I was smarter than him when I was eight and learned what alcohol was.
I heard him say "good luck" as I walked out of the theater, but I didn't understand until I survived the car crash a week later.
I realized after seeing his reaction that "yes" and "no" really are pretty similar in Korean.
At Grandma's house her powder and rouge were in a little drawer right in front of the toilet, so bathroom trips took at least 10 minutes and left me looking like Tammy Faye Bakker.
As his favorite song played on my mp3 player, I realized why he tried to kill himself.
My best friend was ecstatic to meet her mother, the woman that walked out on her as a child.
That last night, Echo broke out of her cage, climbed into bed with me and waited for me to wake up.
Without taking her eyes off the magazine my mother casually told me, "Ya know, your first grade teacher was sure you were retarded or something."
He was too needy right up until the moment he didn't need me anymore.
Thanks to my erasable Bic pen cap and hours spent lingering in after-school daycare all those years, generations of innocent, tenacious schoolmates never found Waldo.
Some of my friends made me so mad today that I think I just might keep the Christmas presents I just wrapped for them.
Until last year I never realized that people in mental institutions really do color and put jigsaw puzzles together.
They drove frantically as she bled and lost their twins.
We never thought twice about lighting a cigarette outside the hospital as our best friend, who doesn't smoke, was diagnosed with lung cancer.
She had never been happier to start her period in her life.
It has been 20 years and she STILL owes me the $72 for the hotel room.
The beagle came running across the field near I-95 and I, being a dog lover, pet him with my fender while doing 70.
My evening with President Bush was unforgettable because the paper printed my hand shake with the President complete with my open fly.
We would spend hours "painting" her weathered, old fence with water, pretending that we were using the whitest paint around.
She never liked using makeup, but that morning after puking at the toilet for an hour and a half, she had to do something about her pale countenance.
After all the books, classes and hours of study there is such great satisfaction in drawing blood.
It took an argument about subject verb agreement to get me to realize that I am not the slightest bit attracted to my ex-boyfriend anymore.
I realize now that his being a passionate person is no excuse for him trying to choke me to death when he found out i was pregnant.
When the catheter tore through my mother's heart, it tore through absolutely everything.
Eyeing the intriguingly attractive girl in line, it took me a moment to remember that it's almost impossible to find lesbians in birth control clinics.
I seriously never thought I was going to crack up in the middle of my first kiss.
My back tensed in anticipation of pain as I realized that wasn't the shower I just turned off, but the cold water.
My friends made me listen to metal music, in hopes of making me hardcore.
I white-knuckled two and a half hours of driving on bad roads only to slam into a ditch a block away from my destination.
The day I realized that I had only scheduled three hours for sleep was the day I realized that I was too busy.
Upon seeing my newborn daughter for the the first time, it occurred to me that, at age 36, she was the first person I had ever met who was related to me.
The dog managed to be canine-vacuum for the cheerios, granola, and cheese, but decided against the pickle juice that ran down my sweater sleeve onto the floor.
Each time one of my best girl friends calls with news that they are engaged I automatically play "Another One Bites the Dust," in my head though I feign excitement and tears for them.
It was the night I was supposed to make you mine, and then the water main exploded.
As I drove the car at 25 mph, gripping the wheel and glancing nervously at the snow along the road, I realized that I would have to choose between driving safely and keeping the tailgaters happy.
We collectively realized she was gone when we sat down to eat our Thanksgiving dinner and realized that nobody made the gravy this year.
To think... it all started with a wayward icecube.
The last sentence of HOUSE BILL 06-1171, may have just made my existence bearable.
Saving 100 bucks is more important to my father than me not having to spend 6 hours in the Atlanta airport waiting for a connecting flight.
My life is on the cusp of requiring more than one sentence.
The first clue it's been a long day is when you profess your love to the vending machine down the hall.
The moment she screamed at me the day after I became engaged to her son was when I realized I was getting much worse than the sterotypical mother-in-law.
I will never live in a world as bright and beautiful and alive as I did when I was six.
The man that made my students cry explained that it only took loud music and four beers to land him in jail for the last seven years, leaving him unable to attend his father's funeral.
Asked why they adopted me so late in life, she said, "We wanted to do something nice for someone."
I'm eating Ellio's pizza with a spoon right now because my roommates don't know how to wash dishes.
He said I was keeping him from God, and I had no idea I had such capabilities.