David
My ex-wife would freeze up every time she told the story of coming home from church as a child and finding all the dolls she had left lined up in tiny chairs replaced by the dead squirrels that her father had killed that morning.
My ex-wife would freeze up every time she told the story of coming home from church as a child and finding all the dolls she had left lined up in tiny chairs replaced by the dead squirrels that her father had killed that morning.
I wonder what their lives are like now, whether they're happy, and if they ever let themselves remember the night in 1981 when they were drunk and ran that Volkswagen van off the road playing "chicken."
At my mother's funeral, my grandparents argued over the type of lettuce they had eaten the night before and I interrupted them by admitting I was pregnant.
Thanks to my brother, you'll no longer get detention for having blue hair.
The poor janitor was only trying to do his job, and it was never supposed to include being threatened to be ripped limb from limb by grieving teenagers.
When my Nepali housemate walked in on me heating up curry from a tin, I seriously considered moving out.
That was when I found out that if a bride is having trouble fitting into her wedding dress, you shouldn't casually mention that you've dropped a pants size in the last month without trying.
The only bone I've ever broken is someone else's nose.
The doctor said "Your white blood cells are abnormal."
I was verbally and sexually abused, but my ex-boyfriend gave me the lasting issues.
When I came home late and found the lawnmower in my bed, I realized my dad wasn't kidding when he said he wanted the grass mowed "today."
It's hilarious to hear my father tell me he wasn't being a racist when he was berating me for "dating a filthy Filipina."
Today I made new friends in my dorm by passing out the cupcakes that were left over from my niece's second birthday party that got cancelled because she got a fever so high she had a seizure and stopped breathing until my sister gave her mouth to mouth.
I was the last person to find out that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and that one of my personalities has threatened my friends.
The day after I lost my virginity, I tried to send my parents the message subliminally by repeatedly setting the thermostat in the house to 69.
We told my older sister that if she had wanted to decorate the tree with us, then she she should have gone to community college.
It took him three hours and a host of anonymous message-board recommendations to decide that he wasn't going to leave me for her.
The cop would have given me a speeding ticket had I not been wearing a complete ninja costume that Sunday morning.
I lost the speech contest after I realized that the note cards I had were from my child birthing class and not about animal abuse.
Now that my sister is depressed, mom says it's a "damnable disease," but when I was depressed five years ago, I was just "a bitch".
Discovering that window washers do still exist and discovering that I had no idea where my pants were happened at the exact same moment.
I came out to my family over 6 years ago and the most painful reaction came from my father who said, "I thought you were smarter than that."
We were married for more years than she's been alive.
Three years after my mother and her father stopped dating, she added me on facebook.
Rolled up black socks are strikingly similar to my compact umbrella in appearance, not functionality.